10 Things That Do Not Belong In Your Vagina

This week I was urged by a doctor not to put a wasp nest in my vagina. 

Yes, that's right -- my vagina. Uh huh, a wasp nest. Confused?


Walk with me...


According to the New York Post:



"Some online retailers have been selling oak galls, which are nests that house wasp eggs before they hatch, and touting them as a natural way of cleaning female genitals.
The product reportedly is crushed into a paste and applied topically, with one listing on Etsy, which has now been removed, claiming it can improve a woman’s sex life.
They are also being advertised as helping to “heal episiotomy cuts, rejuvenate the uterine wall and clean out the vagina” after childbirth, though there are warnings that it can “burn” when applied."

If your jaw just dropped, I'll allow you a few seconds to pick it up off the floor. 

Okay, I find myself both shocked and completely awed by the existence of the need for such articles and PSAs, but let's be honest about the real problem here...


Somewhere in this crazy world, women 
are putting wasp nests up in their vaheyheys. 

I'll be the first to admit, and have previously written about, the fact that childbirth and pretty vaginas are not always besties. I've had three kids, and while I'm not parking cars up in here, kegels have certainly become a close frenemy, because who enjoys a good pee every time they sneeze?? Nobody.

Alas, kegels are work and basically exercise, and we live in an age of GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW!!! However, I'm still baffled (and also a tad bit intrigued) by women so brave in their commitment to achieving some kind of immediate and miraculous vaginal rejuvenation, they might consider applying "wasp [anything]" to this most sensitive area.

Now, I'm no doctor, so I don't expect you to take any kind of medical advice from me. Luckily, Dr. Jen Gunter is one, and I'll just let her lead with this.

Next Life NO Kids - 10 Things That Do Not Belong In Your Vagina #waspnests
Amazing. Seems so simple, right? Clearly, it's anything but.

Ladies, I can't help but feel somewhat personally responsible for this in some way. As a writer of all things, I feel if I had only known sooner this could potentially become an issue, I could have helped. 


Now that I fully understand the incredible lengths women will go to in order to avoid a loose fit - boyfriend jeans vagina, I feel better positioned to put out my own little PSA...because I love you, and your gloriously perfect vaginas.


I feel pretty confident, based on the above wise words of Dr. Jen, that the following list could be used as a helpful tool, to guide women who might be unsure, what exactly doesn't belong, per-se, inside the 'ol cooter canal (even if the burning or swelling produced might result in a smaller entry way).




1. Wasp nests -- Yes, even if they're crushed into a paste

2. Battery acid  

3. A swarm of angry bees

4. Red ants 

5. Sewing machines, needles and thread

6. Super glue

7. Staples -- Yes, even if you sanitize them first

8. Rubber (or any other kind of) cement

9. Thumb tacks and/or safety pins

10. Liquid nail

UPDATE *Please note there are way more than 10 things that don't belong in your vag, but I have a life to live here. If you have a question about whether or not something belongs on this list, please ask someone you trust.* 😉

I'm sorry it took me so long to write and publish this list, but as stated above, I greatly underestimated and perhaps undervalued the need and/or desire for a slender vagina. 

Also, I want you to know that you are perfect, just the way you are. 


If your body has changed due to creating, growing, and/or birthing a human being or even just as the result of repeated, incredible sex, it is my hope that you might revel more in the beauty of all that, than your sluggish vagina and instead honor it as a beautiful part of you that allows for such fantastical things. 


No matter what stage you find yourself in this life, let me assure you this:



You, and your vagina, deserve so much better 
than the burn (or sting) of a wasp nest. 


God speed.





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