Say Good-bye To Your Pretty, Pink Vagina

I had lunch with my pregnant friend last week and we got to talking about all the things no one warns you about when you're pregnant. Her stance was that someone really should have told her, and my stance was that we probably just forgot or thought it might be TMI.

My body went through so much torture and change during each pregnancy, and I imagine my subconscious simply blocked some of that information to shield me from the horror. 

My friend had just been released from the hospital because she thought it was an awesome idea to shave her cooter seven months pregnant, and she got an abscess where you think.




While we were on that subject of her vagina, she informed me that during this terrible abscess fiasco, she had grabbed a mirror and sneaked a peak at her lady parts. She was apparently quite surprised to find a darker, less perky version of her private area, and was super pissed I hadn't warned her this would happen. If I remember correctly she said, 

"What the fuck, Julie? What happened to my pretty, pink vagina?" 

Clearly, we're very close.

After I finished laughing, I said she was right and promised to dig down deep into my subconscious, maybe even look at my naked body in the mirror for longer than it takes to hop in the shower, and make her a thorough list. Here's what I came up with.

1. Say good-bye to your pretty, pink vagina

I do not understand why nature works the way that it does or why it must mess with what works. Perhaps Mother Nature is concerned that the light pink color may blind the doctor under those fluorescent lights or something. For whatever dumb reason, during some stage in pregnancy, expect your poot to darken a bit.





2. Say hello to your "happy trail"

Whoever named this terrific shit show should be stabbed repeatedly in his taint. Yes, it was probably a man that was trying to make his wife feel better about the bar graph connecting her vag to her boobs. I cannot imagine the reasoning for this one other than to provide a map for the baby directly to lunch. Why it must happen half way through, we may never know. What I do know is that there is nothing "happy" about it and that it may take up to forever for it to disappear. 




3. Prepare for stretch marks

Some women get them and some women I hate don't. I think it's supposed to depend on genes and luck, but also your ability to keep yourself lathered in Vaseline for nine months. I was lucky enough not to get any on my belly, but my poor breasticles are like a road map in case my husband gets lost on the way to my nipples. That's what happens when you go from an A cup to a D cup and then down to a B cup. 



4. Those giant boobs you always thought you wanted? Here.

Oh, you think this is going to be a positive side effect, don't you? Cute. Not for all of us it seems. Well, I suppose it depends on whom you ask. My husband LOVED my ginormous tatas when I was pregnant. Unfortunately for him, they were only for show because they felt like they were filled with glass shards for most of my pregnancy. Also, while they were being used as a major food source and teething chew toy, he didn't get the opportunity to play with them much. 

If you are lucky enough to be able to enjoy your incredible post baby hooters, make sure you really do because the after affects are not always pretty (see #5). 



5. Say good-bye to perky boobs and human-sized aureoles

I suppose Mother Nature gets another point for preparation here. When babies are born they don't have the best eye sight and need some guidance. For this reason, our aureoles darken and become larger, I suppose to direct traffic.  I have been lucky enough to experience this three times and at this point could use my boobs to land a plane from 100,000 ft. 



This doesn't happen to all women, and some I want to punch are lucky enough to avoid it.

*But seriously, try not to be jealous of my mad plane landing skills. It's a gift, not a curse.

6. Good-bye cute and/or sexy shoes

Here's another one of those "WTF Mother Nature?" side effects. My feet grew a half size with each pregnancy and I am currently selling my collection of cuties on a Facebook yard sale page. What-ever. 



7. "Child bearing" hips

Need I say more? After three kids, my hips are in permanent ready-for-delivery action. I used to enjoy shopping for jeans, but now I have to go before therapy so I don't jump a bridge after.




So, there you have it! Perhaps you are now armed with some warnings about the effects of pregnancy and childbirth.

You have also been alerted to never walk by my bedroom window at night.

Regardless, there it is.  

Don't say I didn't warn you.





This post has been updated. It was originally published in 2013. 


Whether you love what you just read or hated everything about it, let's connect and talk about it! I'm always open to honest feedback. Come be social with me!



39 comments:

  1. Leslie6/04/2013

    Girl, you are speaking my love language. I'm pretty sure nobody tells us these things because most of us would never breed if we knew what would happen to all our fun parts. Thanks for telling it like it is!

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  2. Yup, all 100% sadly, sadly true. I'm actually kind of glad I didn't know this stuff to begin with - or that it would get worse and worse after each baby!

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  3. Mommy Needs Martinis6/04/2013

    So seriously godforsaken true.

    "You have also been alerted to never walk by my bedroom window at night (yikes)."

    I prefer the kitchen window, anyway ;)

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  4. I hated my giant boobs! I never used to wear a bra. When I was pregnant, they hurt when I trotted down the stairs. Now, they're back to the normal SIZE, but if I don't wear a bra, they're invisible.

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  5. Debbie6/04/2013

    well - um...I guess there is a reason dim (or no lights in my case) are used during the deed. In the dark no one can tell if it is pink, purple or polka dotted.

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  6. Oh my goodness. Very sad and very accurate. I try not to tell people who haven't been through the horrors themselves. Once they've done it too, there is no such thing as too much information between friends.

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  7. Amanda Bruce6/04/2013

    hahahahhaha. so true. I was gazing at my post-baby body the other day and was noting the exact changes you mention!

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  8. Jessica6/04/2013

    Yup yup yup. And so much more. I took it upon myself to go the TMI with many of my pregnant friends for the same reasons. Also get her up to speed on childbirth. (I can help: http://theseversons.net/2011/04/this-is-how-i-throw-a-baby-shower/ Mesh panties 4eva!)

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  9. HerStories Project6/04/2013

    It is truly a miracle that women agree to reproduce, often more than once. None of my pregnancy "side effects" were all that bad, but I was one of those women who read about pregnancy horrors and thought to themselves, "Oh, that'll never happen to me!" Guess again.

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  10. Nikki | Days With Us6/04/2013

    This cracked me up, and also made me nod my head steadily in absolute agreement. Someone commented that once you have children there seems to be unspoken agreement that TMI will always be shared whether you ask or not. Funny, funny stuff. Nikki | DAYSWITHUS | dayswithus.com

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  11. Stephanie Sprenger6/04/2013

    Shut. Up. This is so awesome, hilarious, depressing, and yes, true. (I think you will definitely be the "most clicked" post at Honest Voices this week- ;) ) My childless friend, who hopes to have kids in the next few years, got laser hair removal to ALL her pubic hair. I should have told her that someday- she would wish she had a little more coverage. Things ain't what they used to be down there....

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  12. Right? Absolute craziness. I had my first when I was 17 and I was like Elastagirl afterward. Not the case 14 years later when I had number two... :/

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  13. Hahahahaha! Damn right. She'll definitely be sorry for that.

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  14. I'm so glad you put this up!!! Hilarious!!!

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  15. TheShitastrophy6/04/2013

    Yup had no idea on any of this shit till after - WTF is that? This should be part of the sex ed classes I had to sit through in high school. I am pretty sure teenage pregnancies would drop drastically if they knew the truth.

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  16. Yes and Amen to everyone of those. I don't even know if people wrote blogs when I had my first kid 16 years ago, but I'm sure the odd crisis could have been averted :)

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  17. One Funny Motha6/04/2013

    Sad but true. Sad but true.

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  18. Kimbra6/04/2013

    The symptoms of pregnancy should be shown (I am talking full out visual) to anyone attempting or thinking about pregnancy. Fortunately for me my boobs grew and feet shrank, but holy hell the stretch marks are something from a horror movie and on top of that I had 4 c sections so there is stretch marks and scars
    www.mommysrambles.blogspot.com

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  19. OMG! This is so funny and, sadly, so very, very true!

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  20. Norine Dworkin6/05/2013

    L-O-FUCKIN'-L, JULIE! This had me ROTFLMAO! And all I have to add is ... just wait till perimenopause! There's still more fun in store for us gals! -- Norine aka 1/2 of Science Of Parenthood (www.scienceofparenthood.com)

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  21. I love this post so much, Julie, and my very favorite thing about it is that you said "taint." Thanks for making something so depressing into something hilarious!

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  22. Nannypology Stories6/07/2013

    Ummm..... way to scare me out of EVER HAVING KIDS! Seriously though. Yikes.

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  23. Norine Dworkin6/07/2013

    A little more love from Nannypology's linkup!

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  24. Michelle Mossey6/07/2013

    Hilarious! Sad and true but by hilarious! Stopping from
    Party With Me Friday!

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  25. Lynne DeAmelio6/08/2013

    I love this! And I must say that this post is the BEST birth control out there!

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  26. LOL Julie! So funny and sadly true. I have always had quite small boobs, so I thought it would be awesome to get big ones when breastfeeding. It turned out to be some horridly cruel joke that the three times in my life when I have had huge tatas (for me only when engorged at a week or two postpartum) the rest of my body was bloated and saggy and otherwise horrendous, and I couldn't even think of letting my hubby near my lovely but rock-hard and painful and LEAKING MILK boobs.
    And now that I'm neither pregnant nor nursing (for the first time in 5 years) they have shrunk to EVEN SMALLER than before they were when I first got pregnant. I'm like a 12 year old again over here. Except with "child bearing hips." And stretch marks. Nice.

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  27. Thanks for the encouragement Sara!!

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  28. I bet you're right. Perhaps we should plaster posters of post-partum bodies all over town saying "Have a baby!" :)

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  29. Right? I had my daughter in 1996 and I don't remember blogs either. I agree completely!

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  30. Ha! You better knock on wood Lady!! I didn't have as many "issues" with my first, but I was also seventeen and still made of elastic. ;)

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  31. You got it Dana. If nothing else you can always could on that from me eh? Thanks for reading!


    Taint, taint, taint.

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  32. That is my ultimate goal Erica. I'm glad it worked!


    Yer welcome.

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  33. Holy crap Lady, you've been busy!! Yikes, engorged boobs filled with glass are no fun. I hear you on the saggy and horrendous and raise you a blotchy and bleck. My son is 10 months old and it's just now kinda-sorta getting better.
    At least you're saving on bras now, right?

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  34. Brian22can7/17/2013

    momdocwomenforwomen.comYou should also check with your doctor. Mine told me that exercise was
    okay as long as my heartrate remained under 140 BPMs. I could easily do
    some light stationary biking and keep my HR within range.

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  35. Nicole9/21/2014

    Best. Post. Ever!!!!!

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  36. Angela1/21/2015

    I wasn't sure how to explain to my husband what happened to my pink vagina after six children, so I had him read this. He said he's cool with it as long as it never turns green.


    I'm 39. Someone PLEASE tell me that I do NOT have worry that my vagina will get green with age. Please.

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