February 14, 2018

The Foundation Where She Stood

So many times the path curved, and she couldn't see past the trees. She lost count of all the moments she had to believe in and trust the road ahead. There were so many moments. She had been terrified of screwing it all up somehow, and ruining everything.

How many times she had feared the turn, the drop, or the risk. How often she'd been left with no choice but to have faith that the universe would have her back.

At some point she realized that she did most of her growing in those moments -- at the very bottom -- than she ever did at the top. Every time she had slipped and lost her balance, they were there. God had blessed her with hands to help her up and dust her off. Those hands formed the foundation where she stood.

She had always had what she needed, because wherever she had been, she was there. With strength inside of her, and others in front, to mirror back the beautiful qualities this life had marked her with.

Those marks looked like scars to untrained eyes, but she had learned to wear them with pride, because they were the only proof of what she had survived.

She had survived sharp tongues and closed fists, the nothingness of everything and the everything of not. She had not been broken by the beatings of her heart, but rather somehow pierced together by the magnificent thread that had run through the entirety of everything. Because she was exactly who He had created her to be, and no one could touch or dull the light that shined inside her.

December 24, 2017

Overdue Endings and New Beginnings

I’m sitting here grateful for all the things that had even a glimmer of impact on me this year. There were definite ups, and also more than a few downs. I gained some family, and I lost some too. 

Some days felt like walking a tight rope might, and others went so smoothly they were gone in a flash. I have cried A LOT, and not a tear has been wasted.

I flew to LA to meet my birthmother and sister, and stood up against stigma and hatred on national television. 

I stretched further than my comfort, and allowed the current of life to take me to some places I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. It has been quite an adventure. Willingness to see has been a gift this year, and the support I have found through the amazing women in my life has been more of a blessing than I can express. 

I have grown with the women in my life this year who have joined me in the stretch for more than we might think we deserve. We have been each others’ cheerleaders, and we have held the net below. 

This may have been the best year of my entire life, and all I did to receive was let go. I let go of some people who needed more than I could give and never gave. I let go of more of the fear that speaks to me just before I leap.

I let go of gluten and dairy, and the 30 pounds they'd been weighing on me, and I moved into smaller pants and away from acne and other skin and stomach problems. 

I let go of the need to adjust my feelings to make other people more comfortable with theirs. I stopped shrinking so that others could shine, and I took a little pride in what I’ve accomplished in this life and even allowed other people to celebrate me a little. 

I let go of the grip concerns about what you might be thinking of me has had on my heart. I took better care of me this year because I was less concerned with taking care of everyone else. 

I was able to be more me this year, because I let go of who you might think I am. 

For years I have been weeding and cultivating the soil around me, and this year I got to focus on my roots. What a gift! I spent very little time explaining my rights to know who I am, and I advocated for myself when necessary. 

I let go of my unspoken obligations to the entire universe, and I began investing more time and care in the most important human being I will ever know. 

I've stopped apologizing for the space I take up in this world and how it makes others feel. I've stopped feeling sorry for the little girl I once was, and I've started taking care of her. 

There have been some overdue endings and new beginnings this year, and I’m excited for the opportunities presented by all of them. 

Recovery has been so much more than a day at a time process to not drink. It has been about looking at myself in the mirror and recognizing the woman staring back...and how cool that is. It’s been about remaining curious and open to whatever God has in store, trusting in process — the swing of the pendulum — and enjoying the ride. 

My recovery is about the journey and the growth within every twist and turn, every stretch further than I’m cool with. About looking Life straight in the face and saying, “Yes please. May I have some more?” 

I want more. And I’m getting after it. 

Life is short. 

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