What I Refuse To See

I can't help you right now, and I feel useless. 

I'm being forced to deal with personal stuff, and it feels like my soul is on fire. I'm a walking, talking, gaping wound these days; just trying not to trip into a pile of salt - because everywhere I turn someone wants something from me. 

Because I have extended my hand, and begged you to understand that I am always here for you. Because I forgot there will be times that I can't be. Because sometimes I feel like it's not okay to take my hand back - even for a short time - so I can take care of me -- because I promised. 

So I give until I'm empty and then hide in hopes the world will swallow me up or forget I ever existed in the first place.

It's my fault, but it still hurts that you can't see me. How could you? How could you possibly see how broken I am when I spend so much time and effort creating distractions? 


I have put myself in this position, again, and the nagging guilt is my wasted emotion. You have never asked me to feel it, I just can't seem to let it go in your honor.

"Take care of yourself," you will say; while I watch you struggle with something I know how to help you through because I've been there. I don't want to say, "I can't right now, because I have to be selfish," so I convince myself helping you will only take a minute. 

And then I run out of air and struggle to breathe; but you're gone - off feeling better somewhere - and I'm drowning and too goddamn proud to ask for help. 

Because I'm always the helper and never the helped. Because I do not for some reason feel worthy of my own precious minutes, and I know this in my soul like the palm of my hand as it reaches out to yet another and another.  

This is who I've always been and feels unchanging no matter how many times I say it out loud or call it by name. It's the weight I was born with and might carry til death, because I can't fix what I refuse to see -- is broken. 



Related: 

If You're A Mom, This Will Probably Offend You - Next Life, NO Kids
If You're A Mom, This Will Probably Offend You

I Don't Want My Marriage Today - Next Life, NO Kids
I Don't Want My Marriage Today

I Don't Like What I See


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