Monday, July 14, 2014

10 Hilarious Tips For Surviving Your Son's "Toddler Years"

1. Learn to appreciate the word, "NO." 

Even if the question is, "Do you want a cookie?" your toddler will probably take this opportunity to make it clear that you are not in control. 

2. Have cat-like reflexes, and be prepared to respond to situations like a fucking Ninja at all times.  

I have learned that toddler boys are a lot like spider monkeys. It takes less than a second to climb over gates, scale walls, and attempt to fly off of basically anything. In this scenario, the ability to be in seven places at once is preferable. However, if you are lacking in this department, simply be prepared, at all times, to jump from one side of your house to the other at lightening speed. 

3. Keep anything that can be thrown or used as a weapon as close to the ceiling as possible.

This list includes, but is not limited to pencils, pens, crayons and markers, the family pet, television remotes, toys, books, and whatever else isn't nailed to the floor.

4. Learn to embrace being beaten about the head, neck, and face with whatever is handy. 

See #3

5. If you are looking for something, and it was at any time in your toddler's possession, it's definitely in the toilet. 

Your toddler may not be interested in using the potty for training, but it sure is a fun place to hide stuff.

6. Always have crackers in your hand.

Toddlers like crackers. 

7. Be bilingual.

When toddlers get angry, they often swear and say terribly harsh things in a language that is definitely not English. I'm pretty sure my toddler speaks German, but yours might speak something else entirely.

8. No matter what you are doing for your toddler, hurry the fuck up.

Toddlers are busy. They don't have the time or patience to wait for you to dilly dally around making them breakfast etc. What's the matter with you? You should have had that shit ready yesterday.

9. Whatever you are eating, reading, or looking at belongs to your toddler.

Nothing is yours until he's done with it, and even then he'll reserve the right to change his mind and reclaim it. There is only one exception to this rule. If your toddler claims ownership of a snack you're eating and doesn't like it, the bite will be drooled onto his shirt, and the rest of the item will be thrown onto the floor; still not yours.

10. Say good-bye to privacy in the bathroom.

Seriously. What the hell are you doing in there anyway? 

Oh, and one more thing...

DO NOT have, borrow, purchase, hold, or wear anything nice OR expensive when in the presence of your toddler. 

Trust me, you'll thank me later. 

original photo credit: russteaches via photopin ccphoto credit: jurvetson via photopin cc

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Don't Be A "C U Next Tuesday"

If you follow my blog, you know I have struggled with depression for what feels like forever. You will also know that my specific case includes a side of OCD and a sprinkle of agoraphobia. 

Leaving the house, where there are germs AND the risk of an emotional breakdown in the middle of a store, restaurant, etc. can be quite frightening. I've been trying to push myself when I have good days. Sometimes, I have to literally bolt out of the house before I have time to think about all the reasons I shouldn't. 

The other day, I bolted and forgot the diaper bag. I knew that if I went back I would stay, so I ventured on. I was just running out to buy a tarp anyway, so what could go wrong, right? 

Naturally, once I got to my destination, two towns away, I noticed a funky smell coming from the back seat. Obviously, because I had NO supplies, the toddler had a diaper full of diarrhea.

Did I drive him in his mess all the way back to our house? Hell no! I pulled into the nearest CVS parking lot. I have never shopped for diapers so fast and furiously. I was in and out in a matter of minutes, and decided to change him in the hatchback. Obviously, because I had forgotten the diaper bag, and had NO extra clothing, there was poo on his one piece outfit.

Thankfully, it was a 90 degree day. I stripped him down, gave him a baby wipe once-over, threw on a diaper, and drove to Marshalls. 

I booked it to the baby section of the store and counted three double takes and two lingering stares from old women. Fine, I'm a horrible mother because it's sweltering outside and I didn't dress my kid. Wait, what am I doing in the baby section again? Oh yeah, buying him an outfit because he shit all over himself. I'm a good mother. 

Fuck those bitches, right?

I found a cute outfit and walked back up to the front to get in line. One weird look...and I was sweating. I'm usually sweating because I'm fat, plus it was humid as fuck, but that day there was extra because I already felt like a shitty mother, and I could feel the world judging me for it. I had a naked toddler under my arm that wanted to walk (a.k.a. run away from me shrieking), and the morning had been straight out of Hell. Maybe it was in my head. Perhaps I was just being paranoid.

I started to smell shit. Had he gone AGAIN??? I checked his diaper and it was clear. Either he had gas or I managed to get shit on my clothes too. I decided I was totally ill equipped to deal with any more bullshit.

I thanked God there was only one person in front of me because the kid was ready to freak out. Nap time was approaching and, like me, he had had enough. The sweating was getting worse, and I can feel my face turning beet red. I started to pray for lightening to strike me just as the woman in front looked back and asked how old the baby was. I told her "He'll be two next month," and she gave me one of those smug, doughbaggy, condescending smiles while she looked him up and down. I explained that he was naked because he had an accident and I forgot the diaper bag.

"Did you forget the stroller too?"

I pride myself on being a pretty patient person. I don't usually haul off and smack people, even if they're really awful and deserve it. I am a professional tongue biter. But I was sweating...he was squirming...and I hated her. 

What I wanted to say was, "No C***,  I carried him in here because I didn't expect this horrific fucking purchase to take so long. I'm tired, sweating, and I'm fairly certain that I'm wearing human shit right now. Had I known I was going to be grilled by the likes of you, I would have put him in the stroller, freeing both hands so I could beat your face."

What I did say was...nothing, because Nora's mom stepped in.

I knew she was Nora's mom because she handed my obnoxious son her car keys, and asks him to name the letters on her keychain. 


She showed him the tiny green Croc shoe on the chain and asked him what color it was. Nora's mom told me that my son was, "absolutely beautiful," and that he looked "nice and cool on this hot day." 

Nora's mom was incredible. 

I don't understand the motivation behind taking an obviously difficult situation and adding fuel; why, when someone sees another clearly in distress, they take the shot at making it worse. I cannot identify with that type of thinking. I'm grateful for that. I am also grateful for people like Nora's Mom, and the calming effect she had on both me and my son the very moment I was about to lose it.

I could try to justify this other woman's behavior all day. Maybe she can't have children and is bitter because I get to feel suicidal in the line at Marshalls; kid in tow. I have no idea what that woman goes through so I'm grateful that I did not have the opportunity to respond in a hateful manor. 

I was so wrapped up in gratitude for Nora's mom that I was shocked when it was my turn at the register. I thanked Nora's Mom from the bottom of my heart, paid for the outfit, and got the hell out of there.

I still don't have a tarp.

If you see a woman out and about that looks like she's struggling, please treat her kindly. If you don't have anything nice to say, just smile in her general direction. I promise it will mean the world. Being that mom is humiliating enough without comments and/or dirty looks. I already feel like a failure in that scenario; the last thing I need is for you to rub it in. 

Please be gentle, be patient, be anything...but please don't be a "C U Next Tuesday."

original photo credit: aarongilson via photopin cc

Thursday, June 19, 2014

I Was An Ugly Duckling #InvisalignTalk

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post; however, all thoughts and opinions are my own. My excitement is 100% genuine. 

It is important that you understand that I haven't always been as gorgeous as I am today. No, during my tween years, I was...shall we say, "awkward as hell." I had crazy-frizzy hair, a very persistent case of the zits, and zero fashion sense. Most of these pesky appearance problems improved with time. Those that didn't, were easily hidden behind longer bangs and a bottle of AquaNet hairspray. The one problem that did not go away, no matter how much I matured, was the gap between my front teeth. 

This is me in 8th grade. 

I'm sure we can all agree that the space between my teeth should have been the least of my worries in this picture, but it wasn't. I hated smiling because of it, and I tried all sorts of home remedies to fix it including, but not limited to wrapping elastics tightly around the gap to force the close. 

Nothing worked.

I didn't want braces because many of my friends had them and complained constantly about the pain of tightening; sometimes with a mouth full of wax to keep the metal from slicing away at the sensitive skin around them. 

I would have loved Invisalign Teen. It could have saved me the agony of DIY methods. The clear aligners adjust crooked teeth as effectively as braces; without the metal! 

Years later, when my daughter's dentist suggested a trip to the orthodontist because of the same problem, she balked at the idea of braces for the same reasons I did. She didn't want a mouth full of metal for class pictures and worried about injury during her basketball games. 

She wanted Invisalign Teen, but I told her we couldn't afford the extra costs because I was certain it was way more expensive than braces. I was wrong. As it turns out, Invisalign is covered under many dental insurance plans, and they also offer reasonable payment options to suit individual needs! 

The other concern I had with Invisalign Teen was that she wasn't responsible enough to comply with or not lose the aligners when I wasn't able to watch over her like a hawk. They have that covered! The treatment includes up to SIX replacements absolutely free! Also, each tray has a blue indicator that will wear away if worn properly to ensure compliance with each step! They really thought of everything!! There are actually many benefits to choosing Invisalign Teen over tradition braces; for both tweens/teens and parents. 

  • Less time in the orthodontist office. Because there's no need for extra appointments for tightening and fixing broken wires, it's time saving. After the initial appointments, follow ups are usually scheduled every four to six weeks!  
  • The ability to floss and brush as usual. This was important to me. There aren't metal brackets and wires to worry about with Invisalign Teen. When it's time to floss, the clear trays can be removed and oral hygiene doesn't have to suffer! 
  • There are NO foods that are off limits. There is no need to avoid fun foods like chewing gum, apples, or popcorn with Invisalign Teen! Aligners can be removed and then replaced when finished. Everyone wins. 
The folks at Invisalign have made it easy to see if it's the right option for your family, what the costs will be, and to find an orthodontist near you that offers it (not all do)! They even put the entire process into an easy to follow graphic!

What do you think? Has your teen or pre-teen been referred to an orthodontist recently? Are you as excited as I am about Invisalign now that you have more facts? 

If so, enter below for a chance to win a free treatment!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

How About One Less Racist Canadian?

I am sick of hearing the name "Justin Bieber" as it relates to all things awful. "The Biebs" has once again found himself some trouble, and I'm so over it. I'm not going to share the piece of shit video, but it's all over the Internets so you're probably aware. 

I don't care how cute he is, or how perfectly his hair wafts to one side. His mediocre talent does not outshine for me the fact that he is a full-blown, unapologetic racist. 

Perhaps it's because he is a "child star," or maybe it's the celebrity handlers that serve as a buffer between him and reality, but it seems as though Justin Bieber thinks he's above consequence. 

Could this possibly be related to the fact that hasn't suffered any for his actions?  I mean, I'm surely no expert, but I vote YES. When a nineteen year old gets caught driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and driving without a valid license there should be consequences. It shouldn't matter who you are or how much money you have. 

And now this? Really?

Sadly, even in 2014, while many of us are fighting for the rights of something or someone, we're still dealing with racism.  I believe it's everywhere, but many people have perfected the art of attempting to mask their prejudice and bigotry.

Justin's not hiding it. 
He's releasing video of himself singing a song about killing [insert n-word here] and joining the KKK. I'm sorry, but what the ridiculous fuck? I get that he doesn't want to be extorted, but come on! Perhaps in the future, it would be wise to not create such a hateful, disgusting video. 

I don't care how old he was when he made it, and I sure as hell don't think he should get any brownie points for "taking responsibility." There's NOTHING about being 14 years old that turns people into temporary racists. 

Does Donald Sterling get a free pass because he's old? Nope. No one is making excuses for his recent bad choices; and even if they are it's not impacting the consequence.  

I don't believe there is any room for gray area here. Either you have it in you to hate strangers and spew that hate, or you don't. Either we're tolerating racism, or we're not. 

I'm thinking it might be time that the United States had one less racist Canadian. 

What do you think?

photo credit: Daniel Ogren via photopin cc

Friday, May 16, 2014

Open Letter To Rihanna Re: #PromBat

Dear Rihanna,

I just read an article about your terribly inappropriate behavior toward a high school student; the girl that idolized you enough to wear that dress. While I was reading, I couldn't help but wonder how much her mother worried for her and that dress; knowing that she might be held up to scrutiny at school for being different. I wonder if she voiced her concerns. I try to imagine the confidence it must have taken this teenage girl to wear the dress she felt most beautiful in; because it was like yours. I wonder if it was your voice in her head that encouraged her to be bold and true to herself. 

And then I feel sad for you. 

I feel sorry that you took such a beautiful testament of love and belief that someone had in you and made it ugly. I think of that old, cheesy saying, "Hurt people, hurt people," and I try to understand that you yourself have been ripped apart by the media. I remember seeing your picture while in line at the grocery store, and trying to imagine the force you must be; to be able to endure all of that negativity and still leave your house. 

The media has too much power, I thought; and I'm sure I prayed for you.

Today I'm praying for the girl you beat up because you could. With a simple hashtag, you can have all of the attention you want, and you used it to set a torturous ball in motion. 

I wonder if you knew that would happen...or if you even stopped to think about its possibilities. I wonder if you're aware that you have turned into that source of hate I was praying you would escape. And then I see more pictures of tweets to young girls; mocking their "avi" pictures, and their disappointment in your behavior. I wonder if they too learned from you that it was okay to be strong and speak their minds. These girls that looked up to you; idolized your power and strength, only to be crushed by it.

I wonder how you sleep, or if you do...knowing that the pain someone inflicted upon you; that pain magnified by the cameras and the news, and all over the tabloids is now yours because you choose to own it

"Hurt people, hurt people," that is true... but it's still a choice.

Shame on you.

photo credit: oouinouin via photopin cc

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Our Power Is Not Unique

Usually when I experience something that leaves me feeling overly emotional, it takes me a while to process. I put off writing about it so that I have time to analyze my feelings before sharing. Obviously, it's super helpful to know how you feel about something before you blast it all over the Internet. 

After the Listen To Your Mother Boston show, I was feeling overly everything. I'm still not sure how I feel about the overall experience. It was, by far, the most emotionally exhausting, amazing, heart-wrenching, beautiful thing I've experienced since I joined the blogging world. 

The day of the show, I got gussied; like, really dressed up. I struggle to remember the last time I put that much effort into my appearance. I dusted off an old black dress I haven't been able to squeeze into since before babies, and I purchased some hot pink pumps that screamed "I'm sexy, Bitch."

It was a step out of my comfort zone, and into a powerful emotional rainstorm; the kind that leaves wet hair matted to your face; one that left me feeling grateful to be alive and able to feel so intensely. I have always been "a crier," and there are days I can't get through an AT&T commercial without a tear. This was brutal. It was messy, and life changing.  

The rehearsals had me both laughing and crying hysterically. The bravery of these new friends and their stories of survival, empowerment, and wit amazed me in ways I couldn't understand at the time. I knew I loved these women right away; I just didn't understand the importance or significance of that love... until after the show.

I knew only one of the fourteen prior to the event, but after that first rehearsal, where we simply sat in a circle and shared our truths, I knew everyone in that room intimately. With every word they uttered, each of them wove their way into my heart and found a home. I have no doubt that they will remain there for the rest of my life. 

I read Because Life Was On The List, and struggled to hold back tears. It was so nice to have such an amazing group of women behind me. 

Joanna ~ A tiny spitfire, and a beautiful force to be reckoned with.  She read her piece Motherhood is a Web of Lies which was both hilarious and thought provoking. 

Cameron ~ A woman that has a profoundly loving presence that she may not even be aware of. The Roasting Pan and the Expanded Heart was a gorgeous story about the threads that tie us together as mothers and the connections that make us who we are. 

Diane ~ The only woman I knew before the show; soft spoken and always friendly, she has an amazing spirit and light that beams when she smiles. Her story Unusual Keepsakes From My Mom made me sad, but also grateful for tradition and the wonderful memories we can create with the simplest of things.

Kristin ~ Beautiful inside and out, with an unspeakable strength that I believe surprises her every day. Finding Hope Through the One Way Mirror provided inspiration and proof that the words, "Me too," are powerful beyond measure.

Janet ~ HILARIOUS and super-cute. I'm pretty sure I fell in love with her immediately after she opened her mouth, but The Back to School Serenity Prayer solidified that love forever. Seriously, the Vatican could learn a lesson or two from this woman.

Mary ~ "The Cool Mom," that she so clearly is shocked and inspired me with her story of Jesse in, Is She or Isn't She. Her presence was calming and reassuring, and I fear she has no idea that she has everything to do with why her daughter is so beautifully accepting. 

Chandreyee ~ POWERHOUSE of love and strength. Her story of the red kidney tray and her First Unborn had me feeling from the depths of my soul. The bravery it requires to process and find peace with such an experience is both beyond stunning and admirable.  

Cheryl ~ A kind and generous soul. She read her story of how a mother's love defies distance and time and the routine that finds her with her own mother every night at The Kitchen Sink. Her mother joined us for the show and I nearly broke down when they both cried at the end of this story. Powerful.

Tina ~ Mother of the Year. Her witty and hilarious story of The Thinking Girl's Thong invited us inside the process of acceptance that little girl is growing up, and the amazing ability to respect even the tiniest symbols of empowerment. 

Angie ~ Her astonishing willingness to show vulnerability was astounding and uplifting. Her story of Unspeakable Sacrifices dug deep into my chest and pulled at every dangling heart string. I could have hugged this woman for a year. 

Alexandra Elizabeth ~ My new BFF. Although she was unable to join us for the show to read Loving My Surprise, her journey from scared teen-mom to amazingly powerful example is beyond inspiring.

Tim ~ A handsome guy who loves and respects his mother's talent and sacrifice. I'm Ready for My Close-Up is a piece that exuded love and admiration for Mom, even in the midst of struggle and confusion, Tim sees his mother as a human being and loves her anyway. Loved this so much.

Michelle ~ WOW. This woman is my absolute hero. She is the reason I will never be able to in good conscience ever have a valid excuse to not follow my dreams. WOW. In Bring It On!, she invites us into her life and lets us know that anything is possible as long as you keep showing up for life. 

Liz ~ Is there nothing this woman hasn't accomplished? Such an amazingly down to Earth, friendly, strong, and powerful woman. She holds the kind of ambitious strength that doesn't need to be spoken. When she walks into the room, she owns it. She also has amazing style! She sold me completely on her bill MOM41 in No More Mom and totally has my vote if she ever decides to run for president. 

I realized, after listening to all of these women share themselves again and again, why I loved them so much immediately. 

They are me.  

The power we bring is not unique, it is the way in which we use it that is. Being included in this group of amazing women left me feeling amazing. I don't always feel that way. I imagine they don't either. This event, these women, reminded me of the fierceness and endless possibilities of WOMEN. I wanted to roar...just typing this brings that feeling back. 

The hugs and sense of camaraderie after the show was breathtaking. I've always said that if I can reach one person and let them know they're not alone, it makes my pain make sense. I felt an extraordinary sense of purpose that day, and plan to hold on to it.

I would like to thank the director, Jessica and the producers Cheryl and Phyllis for the opportunity to be a part of this amazing show. They put it together in a way that provided the perfect flow of feeling and inspiration. 

It was a great show; one that has left me forever changed.

To read more about this event and the amazing women involved, please visit Listen To Your Mother Boston. 

photo credit Allycia Waxman Photography

Saturday, April 19, 2014

If This Part Of The Toilet Is Clean...

I've recently seen a picture going around that says "If this part of the toilet is clean, your boyfriend REALLY likes you." 

Since I'm the one who cleans the bathrooms around here, I have my own opinion on the matter. 

Let's be honest...

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Is Not Vaccinating Like Having Unprotected Sex?

I recently ran into a fellow blogger and friend at the gym. While we were discussing the child care in the facility, I informed her that the last time I left the midget there he got some weird hand, foot and mouth disease (just typing it out gives me the creeps).

The conversation moved to vaccinating, and she told me that her babysitter doesn't. Apparently, her two children had contracted Pertussis (Whooping Cough). 

My first thought? DUH!! 

Obviously, I wasn't shocked by the fact that the kids got sick, but rather that there are still people out there not vaccinating. I was shocked to hear that there are actually "a ton" of people out there that have just simply decided against it. 

It seems not vaccinating is, "trendy." 

My friend then posed a really great question. "Are we allowed to ask people if they vaccinate?" I marinated in this one for a minute before coming to the conclusion that "FUCK YES" should be the answer.

Now, I'm not going to do any research on statistics, dangers, and/or probabilities here. I'm not going to bore myself, or you, with numbers and figures to be challenged and recalculated. What I am going to do is compare not vaccinating your children to having unprotected sex. 

You're welcome.

It is important to note that I am directing any and all snarkiness towards people that don't vaccinate because one in 50,000 vaccinated may suffer possible side effects. There are also those that fail to protect our children due to refusal to pay money to those silly drug companies because of some conspiracy theory. Do I think the drug companies are way whacked with all their pills for fill in the blank? Yup, which is why I will not vaccinate my boys for genital warts. I understand that they cause cervical cancer, and that this vaccine might someday keep them from spreading it to their girlfriends. You know what else will protect them? 

Safe, protected sex.

Decades ago, before people knew any better, having unprotected sex with strangers was "trendy." Believe it or not, even in 2014 there are still people that continue to this trend. I know, crazy right? Even though we know all that we know about how many people out of five have Herpes, HIV, and other fun diseases that can be treated with antibiotics, there are still those that think it's cool to share bodily fluids and trust their partners. Obviously, I'm not talking about people in monogamous relationships, like old school. I'm talking about today, where sex seems to be nothing more than an extra curricular activity to some.

"OMG, Please let her be vaccinated"
What heterosexual woman hasn't heard a guy say that he didn't want to wear a condom because he didn't like the feeling?  Imagine for a moment that we didn't have the right to say "Tough shit, Dude. I'm not taking the risk!" Imagine if that right was taken away, and we lost the power to choose precaution because someone else was uncomfortable? That's how I feel about letting my kids play at the park now.  Maybe your kid is protected, but maybe he's not. How do I know if I don't ask? 

Do I have the right to ask someone I'm about to be intimate with if they have been tested? Yes. Why is that a good idea? Because the answer will make me aware of any added bonus dangers that might be involved with touching his or her body. What I do with the answer to that question might keep me safe.

Do I have the right to ask someone I'm about to be intimate with if they have or have ever had an STD? Certainly. Why is this smart? Because it can protect me from being dead. 

So, why wouldn't it be okay for me to ask you if you vaccinate your children; especially since the answer to that question might help keep my children safe? If knowing which kids at the playground/pool/gym could potentially harm sons will keep them safe, I'm asking.

Sorry, not sorry.

P.S. Don't even think about talking to me about my kids' right to eat a peanut butter sandwich in public if yours isn't vaccinated...unless you also don't believe in EpiPens. An allergic reaction and Polio are both life threatening and preventable, if we are considerate of each other's children.

photo credit: jpellgen via photopin cc photo credit: marktrash via photopin cc

Friday, March 28, 2014

Better Late Than Never? I'm Going To Listen To Your Mother

I can't remember the last time I auditioned for something. It could have been for the production of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, when I was in fourth grade.  I read the lines for one of the main characters, no doubt, and was instead given the role of some loud mouthed girl in Tom's class. I didn't complain because it came with a musical number. 

Needless to say, I NAILED IT. I sang my little heart out on stage, and my mom said I was pretty much the star of the whole show. I want to say I coasted on the celebrity fumes from this for years, but sadly, my performance was quickly forgotten (or suppressed) by everyone. 

Soon after my acting debut, I traded in everything artistic for a cheerleading uniform (no offense, Barbie) and I never acted or stepped on stage again...until last month.

I had heard many wonderful things about the show Listen To Your Mother. I have been unable to watch any of the videos without being kicked in the feelings, and I have yet to find one I don't love with all my heart. 

When I found out it was coming to Boston, I was excited for the show. I couldn't wait to be in that room, filled with such powerful emotion and unquestioning trust. I imagine it's like that. I mean, how could it not be? When you give motherhood a microphone, anything is possible. And so it is. 

I decided to dust off my mad auditioning skills and give it a shot. Truth be told, I was scared shitless and fairly positive I would not get the gig. I just wanted to try. I think it was Kristen Johnston that suggested the goal of just breathing during an audition, instead of getting the role, and that's the one I set. I was NOT going to pass out during the audition, and anything aside from that was going to be a bonus. 

I decided to read Because Life Was On The List,  because it's one of my favorites, and because every time I read it I laugh and cry. My beautiful friend Allycia came with me to the audition and talked me back into it every time I changed my mind. She's awesome like that. 

Two weeks later I got the email... I GOT IT!!! Holy shit, I couldn't even breathe! I'm so honored to announce that I am an official cast member in the Listen To Your Mother Boston show!! I will not be singing, but I promise it is going to be an AMAZING time. We had our first rehearsal a couple of weeks ago and I laugh and cried the whole time. It's an unbelievable gift to be included in such a talented group of people. I'm SOOOOO excited!!

If you're going to be in the Boston area on April 26th, you should DEFINITELY come see the show!

Need tickets? Of course you do. CLICK HERE!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Dairy Pure Prize Pack Giveaway!!!!

I don't know about you, but there are many times throughout the day when I'm working with one hand while a tiny person is yells at me because I'm not moving fast enough. So, when the kind folks at Dairy Pure reached out to me with the great news that they had released the new Worry-Free Flip Cap, I jumped at the opportunity to run out and buy a gallon. 

The good news? They provided me with $10 Amazon gift card AND this super-cute insulated Dairy Pure tote bag for my willingness to try the cap and tell you about it.

The great news? One of you lucky peeps is going to WIN a tote bag and $10 Amazon gift card in the giveaway at the end of this post!!!

Dairy Pure Milk with the Worry-Free Flip cap offers a number of wonderful benefits to my fridge and my family. 
Have you ever tried to unscrew a full gallon of milk with a psychotic, hyperactive, clingy toddler in your hip? Ugh, me too. It always turns into a terrible mess. Let us not forget that he's usually screaming because he wants the milk yesterday. 

I mean really, what the heck is taking me so long anyway??? 

Although life would be easier with a couple extra arms, I would look ridiculous and none of my shirts would fit properly. The worry-free flip cap is what every two armed mom needs. It enables me to hold that crazy, squirmy, little monkey in one arm, and flip open-pour-and serve his milk with one handNO spills, NO struggling, NO clean-up! I'll be honest, after the first time, I kind of felt like a super-hero.


We have been buying Dairy Pure milk in this house for as long as I can remember and I am more than willing to tell you why. 
I've seen all the documentaries. I know what some companies do to produce more milk, faster, and keep their cows "healthy."

I'm not going to pretend that my son will only drink Dairy Pure milk as may not know the difference between theirs and another brand in a taste test. However, I know the difference between other brands and Dairy Pure and I choose them for the following reasons:

  • Dairy Pure farmers use absolutely NO artificial growth hormones. Therefore, I have NO worries about the affects on my children. 
  • Dairy Pure tests all of their milk for antibiotics and other impurities continuously. Once again, I have NO worries. 

These things are important to me. We have enough to worry about. 

What snack or treat do you and/or your kids enjoy with a glass of milk? Feel free to include some recipes!

Monday, March 17, 2014

How To Survive "The Preschool Years" Without Seizing

I get the whole "Carpe Diem" thing, I do, but let's be honest. I will probably not seize every day. In fact, if we're being completely honest, some days I will be lucky to simply survive the day without seizing. 

As moms we have to stick together. We need to be gentle and honest with each other about what to expect. We also need to find humor in the little things that make us want to run. Between sleepless nights, the "But, WHY" phase, potty training, and all the other exciting moments to look forward to, it's only fair that we should share our secrets of survival, right? Amen. 

It has recently occurred to me that surviving my son's "Preschool Years" is all about accepting the fact that everything in my life will be interrupted, disrupted, and sometimes slightly annoying. It's that simple really. I must accept that while there is a very curious, energetic, talkative four year old in my house, there will be very little peace, solitude, sex, or silence. If I can only come to terms with this fact, and discard any and all expectations, the days can be delightful.

Here are some examples of what I mean.

Chance to sleep in? 
HA! Forget about it. If it is light outside it will be "time to wake up!!" NOW.

Relaxing with a nice cup of coffee?
Good one. He will want to play Bingo. I will be reminded that I told him last night that we could play "tomorrow" and that it's "tomorrow already."

Nature's calling?
My morning poop will be interrupted so he can show me that the block is actually red, his lunch box is empty, or one of his books has a tear in it. These things will not wait until I am finished. 

Getting him dressed?
If I have picked out his clothes, he will inform me that he's "big now" and can pick out his own clothes. He will then ask me to help him put everything on because he "can't do it!!!!"

He won't want the toast he asked for because he'll remember he didn't want butter on it. He'll think he wants, a bagel with cream cheese; and some juice. NOT apple juice, ORANGE juice. No, maybe water. Never mind he's not hungry. Can we play Bingo now? 

Putting his younger sibling down for a nap? 
Good luck to me. He'll just want to be with me. Seven minutes apart from me will be, "too long."

He can stay, but needs to be quiet and whisper?
He'll just have to tell me "one more thing before whispering." Can we play Bingo now?

He'll be ready to eat breakfast now.

In the middle of a phone call? 
He'll just want to tell me something!!!

Want him to nap? 
Dream on. There's way too much to do today. Oh, and by the way...*EPIC TANTRUM*

Trying to enjoy the rest of the afternoon? 
Are you kidding me? He needs a nap! NO ONE will be enjoying anything. Bingo will turn into five more reasons for a meltdown.

Prepared a nice dinner? 
He'll be sure his brother got more broccoli, the chicken will be too hot, the carrots not orange enough, and he will decided he doesn't like mashed potatoes anymore. He'll want to know why we can't order pizza. He likes pizza!

Trying to have a conversation with _________? 
He'll just want to tell me something!!!

Want to watch a movie? 
He'll want to watch Toy Story 2. He won't care that we only own Toy Story 3.  

Want to read a book? 
He'll know that part and want to read it himself. Then, I will be asked read it. He will tell me I'm reading it the wrong way. Half way through he'll want to read a different book.

He won't be able to sleep because his room is too dark and the moon is too bright. He'll need some water.

Finally, he's in bed??? Whoo Hoo!!!

Sexy-naked time with the Mr.?? 
No. He still won't be able sleep because his brother is breathing too loud. He'll have to pee because he drank too much water. 

He'll just want to ask me one more thing. 

"Can we play Bingo tomorrow?"

Original (changes made) photo credit: angellea (glitterbug) via photopin cc

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