1. Repeating the mantra "There is NO whining on Mommy's birthday," is a ridiculous waste of time.
3. Do not let a toddler play with shit you ever want to see again.
4. A spaghetti strainer makes for not only a super cute hat, but also a great place to hide shit if you're a toddler.
6. Not all toddlers like pancakes.
7. Handing a toddler one of those little creamer cups to play with so he'll stop screaming in a crowded restaurant is, in fact, a terrible idea.
8. Toddlers are the devil's playground.
9. Not everyone who eats at IHOP likes children.
10. Wedging yourself in a booth, snuggly between coats and a highchair, ensures that your 4yo will immediately need to poop fifteen minutes ago.
11. If you want to receive your check promptly at IHOP, bring small children.
13. No matter how many times you ask a four year old to use the bathroom before getting into the car, half way to wherever you are going, he will have to poop again immediately and it will be all your fault.
14. It is impossible to get anywhere fast enough a four year old has to poop.
15. "I want some privacy in the bathroom," means there will definitely be shit smeared all over the wall and hand towels.
16. Cleaning up human shit while the person responsible asks if you "want to play Bingo when you're done?" should be funny, but it's not.
17. Clorox wipes are the greatest things ever invented.
18. Spending the whole day with your kids can help get you completely over the mourning and loss of your uterus and the idea of never being able to have any more children.
19. Don't let your four year old to watch movies like "FROZEN," because when you ask him to put his coat on in the waiting area of the pediatrician's office he will scream, "But MOM!! I just can't live like this anymore!!" and you will want to kill yourself.
20. Not everyone in my pediatrician's office has a sense of humor.
21. If you decided to drown your feelings of shame into what's left of your ice-cold latte - wondering what the fuck ever possessed you to have so many children - you'll probably almost choke to death and pull a muscle in your neck.
23. When your husband surprises you by coming home early from work with a box of cake to bake for you... your oven will be broken and your house will reek of gas for an hour.
24. When all else fails, have an amazing husband who understands how fucked up life gets and comes prepared. He will be hiding a beautiful store bought cake in his car...and it will be delish.
25. Always keep your expectations super low with the full understanding that life is comedy.