Saturday, October 5, 2013

I Don't Want My Marriage Today



I feel like my marriage is broken; the kind of broken that can’t be fixed with a date night or vacation. At this point, I feel like just the suggestion would be like throwing a box of Band-Aids at broken legs.

I don’t want to cover up the wounds with Neosporin and hope they don’t scar. We’ve been doing that for too long. A “time out” isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’m sure it’s my fault. My foundation is cracked and I haven’t been sturdy on my feet in quite some time. Maybe I’ve leaned on him too much. 

My friend Depression has been staying with us periodically and seems to feel most comfortable wedged right between us. Plus, I’m not always the greatest housewife and often he comes home right after a tornado has come through the house. Oh, the laundry is piled and you have no boxer shorts for tomorrow? Sorry, I was chasing your son around all day making sure he didn’t choke or get brain damage. You’re welcome.
We’re both tired. Tired like you read about, and stressed out by the beautiful life we’ve created together. There’s not enough time to enjoy it right now and instead we resent each other and argue about nothing. Some people say children bring couples together. Maybe… in the delivery room and possibly the nursing home, but other than that? I call bullshit.
Our parenting styles are totally different. Apparently I’m the disciplinarian. I say no and it means no. He says maybe and it means yes. I feel like I play the bad guy all the time with the teen and four year old and he doesn’t understand why that upsets me. I spend all day with a toddler and when he gets home I’m practically at the door ready to run away. Dinner? Laughable.
I don’t know why I thought this would be easier. I feel like we’re the only ones struggling with their beautiful life because no one talks about it. “Do you ever hate your husband?” is not a question I would feel comfortable throwing out there in fear the answer would be, “Oh my God, how could I? Our life is perfect.”  God damn you, June and Ward Cleaver for making it look so simple.  There is nothing simple about this.
I miss my marriage today. 
I miss my best friend and the unwavering, “Us” we were before all of these wonderful blessings came along and fucked it all up. We made each other better. We were a team. There was nothing we could not accomplish together.
Remember?


47 comments :

  1. Very deep my friend, and really gives a different prospective on things, and marriage in general. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you feel better.

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  2. Massive, massive hugs to you for this brave and eloquent post, my dear friend.


    Sometimes I know what you mean about hating the marriage and wishing it could all just end, and how it's brought more stresses than blessings. But then I come out of that dark place and it's just about alright, sometimes even quite nice.


    But I hope that the Depression leaves you alone soon and lets you take a crack at life on an even footing.

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  3. I don't know what to say. I just want to hug you.

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  4. So sorry to hear you are struggling. Sometimes things are hard and sometimes they just plain suck. Nothing and no one is ever perfect. Thinking of you :(

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  5. So sorry to hear you are struggling. Sometimes things are hard and sometimes
    they just plain suck. Nothing and no one is ever perfect. Thinking of you :(

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  6. What a brave blog to post! I think we all feel that way sometimes, whether we like to admit it or not.

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  7. The Dose of RealityOctober 5, 2013 at 4:15 PM

    100 million times yes to this. TOTALLY this. Anyone who not ever hated their husband is either still on their honeymoon or lying. Period. I have a really great, core group of good girlfriends, and I cannot begin to tell you the number of times we have this conversation. Every single thing you said here. And the reality is that the grass is not greener somewhere else because EVERYONE is feeling this way. You rock for this post.-Ashley

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  8. I am dealing kinda with the same emotions. There are a few different things going on for me and mine but the feelings are crazy. I am the one that has emotionally detached from all of it and I have for about 3-4 years now and I just dont want to do it anymore. Its not fair to me or to him. I have 5 kids so I can agree on the laundry and the housework even though me and the kids all share the workload :) I have been considering writing a post like this for a few days now. Good luck and if you need anyone feel free to let me know, you are obviously not alone.

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  9. It's creepy when you stalk me, dearest :p xXx

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  10. Kimberly @ Red ShuttersOctober 5, 2013 at 6:27 PM

    Oh, I am sorry it's tough right now... thinking of you and sending hugs

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  11. I understand. I've been there. I actually nearly left my husband once, when my PPD was at its worst.


    When it comes to missing your marriage, I think you're half right. It IS you, but it's also not. Because when depression is, as you so accurately put it, "wedged in," you're not YOU. And since your marriage is half about you... that can kind of fuck with things.


    I know you probably already have, but just in case... Please see a therapist. Reevaluate your medications. Remember that you're in there somewhere. You can climb out of this.


    You're going to be okay.

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  12. I am SO sorry you're dealing with this, Julie. I want to echo everything Lea said, b/c I was about to say something similar. Take care, you.

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  13. This is tough. Half of marriage is just conditioning yourself to survive it. Does that suck? Yes it does- but if you can weather the storms there are those moments, ya know what I mean? Really impressive post.

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  14. Been there, done that! No, Ward and June aren't commonplace by any means. Marriage isn't easy. Oh, and it won't ever be. But, after 33 years with my wife, I wouldn't have done it with any other person. See, we recognized that there would be good times and there would be bad times. There were times she hated me and I hated her. But, we hung in there and made it through those times. She called me the one without a heart, at times. I called her the screamer and the most stupid person I knew. I was and she was, but we changed ... not all at once, but over time. We looked at splitting many times, but never did. I guess deep down, we knew we were made for each other, as different as we both were. And, after all these years, it's still not perfect. But, I try and she tries. It's better than giving up. It's better than starting all over again with someone else. I guess, when you get right down to it, it's love. Hang in there!

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  15. ChronicallysickmanicmotherOctober 6, 2013 at 1:32 PM

    I am so proud of you for writing this and hitting the publish button. Such a hard post to write. Your strength shines through this post even if you don't feel it. I recently discovered a great marriage quote and it basically says its not mutual ownership....William Farley...But...anyway...I hope you get back to the team and teamwork

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  16. Thanks, Lea. I've been in therapy and I'm not on meds. I appreciate the fact that I'm not alone in feeling these things. Honestly, I was venting and we're much better now. Some days are just much harder than others. ;)

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  17. Thank you so much!! I'll check out the quote. We're already better. I just needed to know that I'm not the only one that wants to bolt sometimes. Writing this post helped us a lot. :)

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  18. Oh Richard, You are so wonderful. Thank you so much for this. I'm sure 33 years of marriage have not all been peachy, but like you, I know that he's my "one". I'm certain that if we both survive these years (physically), we will one day be talking about thirty-something years together. Our story is going to be SOOOO juicy by then... Thank you again. You're a sweetie.

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  19. Thanks, Cheryl! We have weathered many sucky storms together and I'm sure that's a clear sign that the promises we made to each other years ago are still being kept. There's no one in the world I'd rather fight with, that's for sure.

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  20. Thank you, Kimberly. We're getting through it. I just really needed to get this out and admit that I'm not perfect. Every time I do that here, I feel a little better about being messy. It helps so much to know that I am not, in fact, terminally unique. ;)

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  21. It will all work out. Do I sound like your mother?

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  22. Thank you SO much, Bernadette! I appreciate your support. Writing this post helped me AND my husband so much. The posting of it was an afterthought. I wasn't even going to post it here, but on Scary Mommy because I didn't want people IRL to know that we're not the perfect couple or get the "concerned" calls. I'm so glad you took the time to comment. If you ever do write that post, let me know. I'd love to read it!!

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  23. This is so wonderfully written- and anyone who says they have NEVER felt, at the very least, irritated by their spouse is lying to themselves and to others. Nobody is perfect, no marriage is perfect, no matter how it looks on the outside.

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  24. Thank you Ashley!! You rock for leaving this comment and for sharing this. I appreciate that SO much. It was kind of anxiety provoking at first to have this out in the universe, but it's really served as a tool to put us back on the same side again... if that makes any sense. I appreciate you and your support. Thanks again, SO much.

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  25. Thanks, Angie. That is SO good to know. I really do feel like I'm the only one sometimes and it's wonderfully refreshing to learn that's not the case.

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  26. Umm... You're going to have to switch your tone to sound WAY more judgmental in order to sound like my mother, Cheryl... ;)

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  27. Thank you for saying that, Dawn. You're so right. I wish we could all just get over ourselves more often and tell each other what's REALLY going on. It might help A LOT :)

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  28. Angela (Momopolize)October 6, 2013 at 2:44 PM

    This is a wonderful post! I think most people struggle much more than they ever let on. Bravo to you for sharing this! Marriage is hard and marriage with depression mixed in is the hardest!

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  29. Anyone who is being honest with themselves has had days when they didn't want their marriage. It's hard, and it's not rainbows and unicorns like we imagine it is when we are little girls. I hope you are wanting your marriage today, Julie, or at least wanting to fight for it.

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  30. When our daughter first came into our lives after 40 years with no children we sought guidance from a MFCC immediately to help us transition better as first time partents. She told us that the separation rate was incredibly high following the birth of a child due to all the stress, uproar & general changes. She gave us the tools we needed to weather the storm and that we have for almost two years. I highly recommend some marriage/family counseling to mediate you through these tough waters. Good luck & hang in there!!

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  31. Hang in there - i think anyone with kids can relate to the damage a marriage can take. Well articulated - thanks for sharing.

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  32. We have ALL felt like this at some point, and you are doing a huge service to so many women by voicing it. I so respect your honesty, your authenticity, your writing. My husband and I just celebrated our 32nd anniversary and, trust me, there were days, weeks, months that were very very hard. Keep remembering the "Us" and you will make it work. The nest will be empty sooner than you can imagine, and you will be that couple that fell deeply in love with each other again.

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  33. This post describes my feelings about my marriage exactly. There are so many days when I think ruefully about the "sage" advice I used to receive from people older and wiser..."marriage is hard," etc. Now I have discovered- marriage IS hard, and no one out there seems to be offering helpful or pragmatic advice. Hang in there, and thanks for writing so honestly.

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  34. Really, really honest to goodness sorry that you're feeling this way. It's hard for most people...you're certainly not alone! I'm sure you will work it out soon, and you're right, kids don't always bring the marriage together; it has to be the couple that does it. If possible, can you ship the kids to your/his parents for a few days?

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  35. Natalie the SingingfoolOctober 10, 2013 at 11:44 AM

    Keep writing about it. Some days I don't want my marriage either, and it's okay. *hugs* to you, and hoping life eases up on you two. :(

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  36. Oh my goodness. So sorry. Have you talked it out? Are you seeing a therapist? I hope it works out.

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  37. Thanks, Sandra. We have talked it out and we're much better now. I have been seeing a therapist. :)

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  38. Thanks, Roshni. The breaks are like BandAids and they only work for a short period of time. We're working on it. :)

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  39. Michelle DeLorge@ Scattered WrNovember 26, 2013 at 7:34 AM

    I have been there. The depression, the kids, the marriage. Writing helps me. Having something that's only mine that I don'r have to share helps tons. The husband and i had no life before kids so we just promised each other from day one. It's US against THEM. Especially because we're outnumbered. Believe me I know how kids can make you crazy and feel like your marriage is going down the toilet.

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  40. good stuff. anyone who claims they don't have minutes, hours or days like this is on drugs or a big fat liar.

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  41. Michelle DeLorge@ Scattered WrFebruary 5, 2014 at 1:02 PM

    For some reason I just stumbled upon this post today. Maybe it was fate because it's most definitely how I have been feeling lately, especially today. No Julie you are not alone. I'm right here with you.

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  42. You are not alone, for sure...and sometimes I wonder if, when they are grown and moving on, will we be able to those people again? I hope so.

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