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Next Life, NO Kids: Sometimes Standing Is Hard Work

August 29, 2017

Sometimes Standing Is Hard Work

Sometimes standing is hard; especially when you're unsure of where you're standing.

Limbo has never been a particularly wonderful space for me, because I live for control. Uncertainty isn't safe for me, and wonder can often be dangerous. So, I do my best to keep on top of as much of my emotionality as possible. 

A week before I found my birthmother, I spoke on The Real Deal Podcast about how much I needed to be done with the search. I could feel it tearing at the walls of my soul, and I knew I couldn't hold on much longer. 

If forever I doubt God, He always seems to alert me of His presence in the most interesting and untimely ways. It's usually once I give up the reigns that He steps in, and I wonder each time how I forgot. 

Sometimes Standing Is Hard Work - Next Life, NO Kids #adoption #reunion #trauma #unknown

Why do I continue to drive myself all over Insanity Station when I know somewhere in my gut that I am free to let go?  Like a patient father, waiting for a child to tire from a tantrum, there He is -- always. Much like my earthly father, He has not left me even in times I deserved desertion. 

My place is here. I feel that today. 

No matter who knows I'm here or acknowledges my space, it is mine. I can feel the weight of my being. I can expand the feeling of that weight, and have had it drenched over me like a blanket since it arrived.  

Sometimes I hide behind words, and pretend I'm more ________ than I actually am.

I can't hide from this, and I don't want to, but the weight of what it might mean to fully show up for this is heavy.

"If only I were ________ , I would be a better..." is played out and, I realize, just a sad front for the actual truth of who and what I might find. More words to hide behind, and pretending there might be hope for contentment outside the only place I know where to find it.

The work I've done, and all the preparation for this moment seems insufficient, but I am still here.

I'm still standing.

I'm standing through the countless waves crashing over me. I am as balanced as I can be on the solid foundation I have built for myself. I'm standing for a little girl who deserves to be stood for -- the one who needs to know she's worth it.

Sometimes standing is hard work, but I have learned it's possible not to lose my balance, focused on the strength and power in my stance.

I have become the woman I have always needed, and today, I'm here for me.

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