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Next Life, NO Kids: There Is No Wrong Way To Feel

August 23, 2017

There Is No Wrong Way To Feel

"There is no wrong way to feel."

I keep repeating this -- over and over again -- in my mind.

Last week, through a serious of bizarre and miraculous events, I found my birthmother. I found the woman who gave birth to me in 1978, and I found out the details surrounding my adoption.

I got my chapter one.

Everyone wants to know how I'm feeling. People have watched my video, and they're excited and happy for me. They're well-intentioned. They're genuinely thrilled.

So many people have been following my story, and I had almost forgotten how many friends I have confided in over the years; how many people would be cheering when I found her.

I told the incredible story on my Facebook page, because I couldn't fathom repeating it even one more time. I wanted everyone interested to know, and it was such a fantastical story, I knew it had to be told.

I did not imagine how many people would care enough to reach out, and I never could have known how it would all make me feel -- how many emotions I could feel all at once in one day. It has been a ton of ups and downs since then, and I'm trying to remember there's no script for feelings.

Next Life NO Kids - There's No Wrong Way To Feel #adoption #reunion

I've always been a feely kind of person; even when it has made other people uncomfortable. It has been both a gift and a curse in many ways. My ability to feel so loudly has pulled at the strings of others and helped them process all sorts of things. My willingness to feel all the things and take others along the ride has made a small difference in the world. It has also left me wide open for public everything, and pretty regular reminders that what the world thinks of me does not reflect who I am.

These weeks have weighed on me. Talking to people about it has been overwhelming in ways I couldn't have imagined. A chat with my dad last week left me feeling like maybe this discovery should mean I never have to feel sad ever again. I had to take a step back from that one; but not before pointing out that while knowing who I am has provided me with senses I didn't have before, it doesn't negate every painful moment of my entire life. Then I laughed a great laugh in gratitude for my ability to not only put those things into words, but say it them out loud.

Finding means I was once searching, and brings up all the feels of almost giving up. Discovery means the search is over, and also the beginning of a new chapter. It means the the possibility of starting something new and beautiful and scary as all hell. It means a great number of wonderful things, but it also means some pretty scary stuff too.

Allowing myself the right and space to feel all of these things has been a blessing. There have been many times in my life when feeling anything was completely out of the question. This week, I have had to allow myself the right and space to act out and ground myself in ways I do when I feel out of control -- to forgive myself those things and be gentle with me. Recovery has given me these things, and I'm more grateful for sobriety right now than I think I've been since I got sober in 2000.

Surrounding myself with people in my life who also allow me rights and space has also been a pretty beautiful thing. Taking advantage of the choices I have today regarding who I want in my circle has been key. Having those people remind me that "There's no wrong way to feel right now" has been an invaluable gift. Because sometimes hearing what you already know coming ever-so-compassionately out of someone you trust 100%, is amazaballs. The awareness that those someones are sitting quietly next to me if I need them, helps a bunch too.

Whatever you might be facing this week, it is my hope that you have someone sitting next to you. That you know you're not alone. If they can't keep quiet šŸ¤£, I hope you're as fortunate as I, to have a few friends who always seem to know just what to say. šŸ’—



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