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Next Life, NO Kids: 20 Things Moms Say That No One Should

March 30, 2016

20 Things Moms Say That No One Should

"Relax so I can see your butt hole" is not something I ever thought I would have to say out loud. Let's be honest about the fact that if there is a list somewhere of shit no one should ever have to say, that might be number one. Motherhood has me not only searching for weird rashes on squirming little asses and removing mayonnaised cheese from our flat screen tv, but has also made these totally inappropriate things seem freakishly appropriate. 

It's insanity.

Suddenly things I never imagined even thinking about are casually flowing from my lips on the daily.

Here are some of my personal faves just from this week... 

1. "Please get your head out of the toilet before you fall in."

2. "Why is there poop on the wall...AGAIN?!"

3. "I know you're going to miss me when I'm dead. 
Thanks for reminding me... again"

4. "I promise to be very careful not to clip your 
testicles while cutting your finger nails this time."

via GIPHY 

5. "We do not eat ABC gum we find on the floor at Target."

6. "Please stop telling your brother you're going 
to squeeze all his blood out..."

7. "Your bedroom wall is not for boogers."

via GIPHY  

8. "The toilet is not a toy."

9. "I'm flattered, but I can't marry you... because I'm your mother." 


10. "Seriously, get out of the [fucking] toilet."


Here are some of my favorite quotes from your house last week...

(Courtesy of Lea Grover, Becoming SuperMommy)


2. "Bologna is not wallpaper."  
 (Courtesy of Jessica Barmes)

 3. "Get the cat out of the fridge!"
(Courtesy of Angel Ybarra)
4. "Get your finger out of your butt."  
(Courtesy of Julie M Goodwin)


5. "Holding your middle finger up and showing it to 
everyone in Great Clips is not using your words.”   
(Courtesy of Catrina Risner Hazelbaker)

via GIPHY 

6. "Stop picking your nose and wiping it on your sister's face.”  
(Courtesy of Jen Giorgi)

7. "I don't want to be licked right now." 
(Courtesy of Eliza Wagner Srestha)  


8. "The toilet brush is not a magic wand.
Please stop casting spells with it."
(Courtesy of Cristina Stewart) 


9. "Don't let the dog lick your butt."
(Courtesy of Joanne Hall Robertson)


10. "Why are there seashells in your diaper??"
(Courtesy of Jennifer Ficken-Brown)

Obviously this list could go on forever, but I have to get my three year old out of the toilet again.

Thanks to all who submitted! It's super nice to know I'm not the only one saying some of this awful stuff. It's also somewhat comforting to know your kids are just as disturbingly obsessed with the toilet. 

Seriously. What's so fucking magical about the toilet?!?
Nobody knows.

Just please remember, we're all in this motherhood thing together. Let's be nice to one another. We never know what ridiculousness a mom has just had to listen to or say, and we can all totes use a high-five and/or an "Attah Girl." 

If you're not into the whole mom-shaming thing, but are into the idea that a whole bunch of strong, kick-ass mamas could totally join together in imperfect harmony to support each other without judgment and shaming, click below and check out our incredible group! 


25 Things I Learned on my 36th Birthday

 I Was Never A Monster
 10 Hilarious Tips For Surviving "The Toddler Years"

 Letter to A Nervous Mother-to-Be


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