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Next Life, NO Kids: January 2016

January 03, 2016

Say Good-bye To Your Pretty, Pink Vagina

I had lunch with my pregnant friend last week and we got to talking about all the things no one warns you about when you're pregnant. Her stance was that someone really should have told her, and my stance was that we probably just forgot or thought it might be TMI.

My body went through so much torture and change during each pregnancy, and I imagine my subconscious simply blocked some of that information to shield me from the horror. 

My friend had just been released from the hospital because she thought it was an awesome idea to shave her cooter seven months pregnant, and she got an abscess where you think.

While we were on that subject of her vagina, she informed me that during this terrible abscess fiasco, she had grabbed a mirror and sneaked a peak at her lady parts. She was apparently quite surprised to find a darker, less perky version of her private area, and was super pissed I hadn't warned her this would happen. If I remember correctly she said, 

"What the fuck, Julie? What happened to my pretty, pink vagina?" 

Clearly, we're very close.

After I finished laughing, I said she was right and promised to dig down deep into my subconscious, maybe even look at my naked body in the mirror for longer than it takes to hop in the shower, and make her a thorough list. Here's what I came up with.

1. Say good-bye to your pretty, pink vagina

I do not understand why nature works the way that it does or why it must mess with what works. Perhaps Mother Nature is concerned that the light pink color may blind the doctor under those fluorescent lights or something. For whatever dumb reason, during some stage in pregnancy, expect your poot to darken a bit.

2. Say hello to your "happy trail"

Whoever named this terrific shit show should be stabbed repeatedly in his taint. Yes, it was probably a man that was trying to make his wife feel better about the bar graph connecting her vag to her boobs. I cannot imagine the reasoning for this one other than to provide a map for the baby directly to lunch. Why it must happen half way through, we may never know. What I do know is that there is nothing "happy" about it and that it may take up to forever for it to disappear. 

3. Prepare for stretch marks

Some women get them and some women I hate don't. I think it's supposed to depend on genes and luck, but also your ability to keep yourself lathered in Vaseline for nine months. I was lucky enough not to get any on my belly, but my poor breasticles are like a road map in case my husband gets lost on the way to my nipples. That's what happens when you go from an A cup to a D cup and then down to a B cup. 

4. Those giant boobs you always thought you wanted? Here.

Oh, you think this is going to be a positive side effect, don't you? Cute. Not for all of us it seems. Well, I suppose it depends on whom you ask. My husband LOVED my ginormous tatas when I was pregnant. Unfortunately for him, they were only for show because they felt like they were filled with glass shards for most of my pregnancy. Also, while they were being used as a major food source and teething chew toy, he didn't get the opportunity to play with them much. 

If you are lucky enough to be able to enjoy your incredible post baby hooters, make sure you really do because the after affects are not always pretty (see #5). 

5. Say good-bye to perky boobs and human-sized aureoles

I suppose Mother Nature gets another point for preparation here. When babies are born they don't have the best eye sight and need some guidance. For this reason, our aureoles darken and become larger, I suppose to direct traffic.  I have been lucky enough to experience this three times and at this point could use my boobs to land a plane from 100,000 ft. 

This doesn't happen to all women, and some I want to punch are lucky enough to avoid it.

*But seriously, try not to be jealous of my mad plane landing skills. It's a gift, not a curse.

6. Good-bye cute and/or sexy shoes

Here's another one of those "WTF Mother Nature?" side effects. My feet grew a half size with each pregnancy and I am currently selling my collection of cuties on a Facebook yard sale page. What-ever. 

7. "Child bearing" hips

Need I say more? After three kids, my hips are in permanent ready-for-delivery action. I used to enjoy shopping for jeans, but now I have to go before therapy so I don't jump a bridge after.

So, there you have it! Perhaps you are now armed with some warnings about the effects of pregnancy and childbirth.

You have also been alerted to never walk by my bedroom window at night.

Regardless, there it is.  

Don't say I didn't warn you.

This post has been updated. It was originally published in 2013. 

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