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Next Life, NO Kids: 10 Hilarious Reasons I'm Not Having Sex Tonight

June 14, 2015

10 Hilarious Reasons I'm Not Having Sex Tonight

Next Life NO Kids - 10 Hilarious Reasons I'm Not Having Sex Tonight

1. I'm tired. No shit, Captain Obvious. After chasing after kids all day or just spending twenty minutes in my own head, I'm exhausted. One of my husband's go-to seduction maneuvers is giving me a "back rub," and I can't remember the last time I didn't fall asleep before the, "big move."

2. I find it difficult to feel sexy when I'm hairier than my husband.  Let's just say I'm camera ready for a "bow-chicka-bow-now" 70s-style porn video, with the option of super-cheesy storyline."Did someone order a pizza?" No, and I'm too tired to answer the door to accept the delivery, never mind offer up my vagina as a tip.

When the hell did my bikini line travel half way down my thighs? Unclear.

3. My husband said something stupid and/or insensitive a month ago and I just remembered. There is no statute of limitations on insensitive comments, and I reserve the right to decide, right before bed, that I'm not completely over it.

4. My husband and I haven't had the chance to have a two hour conversation* about my feelings regarding the stupid and/or insensitive thing he said last month.

*For the record, my husband's willingness to endure these torturous chats often results in actual sex.

5. I can't remember the last time I showered, and I smell like a petting zoo. 

6. I just showered. I'm clean! I'm finally clean! Do you really think I want to get all dirty again?

7. I probably have to poop. I have a bit of performance anxiety when it comes to using the toilet, and since I rarely get to sit down without an audience, constipation is my life. I'm gassy and bloated, and although that may sound extremely sexy, it's not.

8. I may or may not have a urinary tract infection.

9. Personal space is never overrated. I spend most of days with at most four inches between me and a territorial toddler. I am often mistaken for a jungle gym, trampoline, and good place to wipe your sticky hands. Some nights, after the kids go to bed and I regain ownership of my body, I don't feel like sharing it.

It's MINE.

10. We just had sex yesterday. What the hell do you think this is? 

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At 6/14/2015 , Anonymous Angela said...

*nods head* Yes. All of this. Yes.

At 6/14/2015 , Anonymous Julie S. said...

True dat

At 6/16/2015 , Anonymous Julie @ Next Life, NO Kids said...


At 6/16/2015 , Anonymous Julie @ Next Life, NO Kids said...

RIGHT??? Fuck that noise, yo. Ain't NOBODY got time for that.

At 6/19/2015 , Anonymous orana velarde said...

ok. Just the choice of visual overload you´ve got here is enough to make me pee my pants. And that´s just gonna make my panties stink so Im probably not having any sex tonight either.


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