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Next Life, NO Kids: April 2015

April 16, 2015

8 Things You Probably Take For Granted If You're Not Adopted

1. Knowing what your parents look like:

Depending on the state the adoption took place, adoptees in the United States may get a very short description of their parents from the date of their adoption....if they're lucky.

I have an entire documented seven sentences worth of "unidentifying" information about each my biological parents.

2. Stories about your parents or birth:

How many times has someone in your family held you or another person hostage repeating the story about how your parents met or the day you were born? Maybe you've heard these stories so many times they've become an annoyance. 

The only detail I have of my birth is that it was via cesarean section. I don't even know the name of the hospital.

I also do not know the nature of my biological parents' relationship. Were they in love? Maybe. Did they get totally wasted, and make some bad decisions? It's possible.

I have only assumptions based on the knowledge that my bio father was present for the adoption proceedings and the spot-check "memories" of my second parents. 

3. Looking like a member of your family

I don't look like anyone in my family. 

4. Understanding of why you look they way you do

Even though you may not always appreciate being told you have your grandfather's nose, it's still pretty cool to know exactly where it came from. I have no idea if I look like my mother, my father, or the gorgeous mailman. 

Each of my children look completely different, and I would LOVE to be able to match their physical characteristics to a family connection. 

Honestly, I would settle for family connection of any kind. 

5. Knowing exactly how old you are - a confirmed birth date:

Who would ever think about having an accurate birth date as a privilege?

It is quite possible that the date on my birth certificate was altered to protect my birth parents' privacy. This was apparently common practice in private adoptions years ago. 

Many adoptees have no idea exactly they were born. 

Can you imagine? 

6. Knowing WHO you are

If you are not privately adopted, it has most likely never occurred to you how lucky you are to know what your name is.  

My original birth certificate, with my first given name, was impounded when I was adopted, and I was given a whole new one. Not only does the person I was no longer exist, I do not have any right to information about her (me). 

Granted, the name on that certificate has very little to do with who I am today, but it saddens me that a piece of my past might be living in a file cabinet somewhere in an abandoned warehouse. 

7. Filling out those pesky medical forms:

What a pain in the balls, right? So many medical forms to fill out in a lifetime, and how redundant can filling out your medical history feel? I wouldn't know. I get to write "UNKNOWN, ADOPTED" across that entire section. Thanks to the one of the seven sentences about my birth mother, I know that she was allergic to pollen and dust. That's the gist of my extensive medical history.  

Allergies: Pollen and Dust

The rest has been by trial and error. I don't know what chronic or fatal illnesses "run" in my family, other than what I have. Aside from screening myself for literally everything, I have no idea what to protect myself or my children from. 

I am my oldest, living relative.

8. Having an idea of what to expect from your body as you age:

Whether you look at your parents and grandparents and get super happy or terribly disappointed about what your future might look like, you have a window. You may know exactly what you will look like someday, thanks to the genes your family wear. You need to nothing more than to look around.

Adoptees have no window.  

I would give anything to experience the terrible disappointment associated with knowing I might look like a stretch-marked, wrinkly old pear when I'm eighty.

If you are not adopted, or if it was not through private adoption, you may never have to ask yourself questions without answers. I hope this will help you feel a little bit better about the answers you do have access to, even if you don't always appreciate them. 

Whether you love what you just read or hated everything about it, let's connect and talk about it! I'm always open to honest feedback. Come be social with me!

Find me on Facebook, Twitter, or on my Facebook Page!

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April 03, 2015

Guess What, Moms? I Don't Care.

There are so many things about other moms I just don't care about. Here's a list. #Mommitment

I don't care how you define motherhood; whether you think it's a job or a hobby. I do not care what words you choose to describe what you do "for a living." 

I don't care if, or where, you went to college. 

I couldn't care less how many kids you have, how or why you conceived them, or whether they were planned. 

I don't care if you're single, married, divorced, separated, or in a domestic partnership.

I do not care who you love, or how you identify in your relationships.

I don't really care how old your children are, or how many years you chose (or didn't choose) to space them apart. I will not make comments like, "Wow! That's quite a separation, same father?" or "Jesus, Did you get pregnant again in the delivery room?"

I don't care if you breast fed or bottle fed, and I don't care if you used formula or bought breast milk off the black market. You don't need to justify your attempts to nurse, or explain to me why formula was the best option for your child. There is also no need to defend your complete aversion to having your nipples chewed, or your forced time constraints because you had to head back to work right away.

It does not concern me that you work eighty hours a week or stay home with your children full time to support your family. You do not have to explain your feminist belief system, or the reasons you can't justify working to pay for childcare.

I don't care if you use cloth diapers, disposal diapers, or what brand you use. I really don't care how naturally savvy or challenged you are, or if you choose organic or fast food for your kids.

I don't give a shit what religion you most identify with or what your beliefs are. You don't believe in anything? That's perfectly fine with me.

I don't care if you have wash board abs or junk in your trunk. It makes no difference to me if you hit the gym every day or not; if you are a size 2 or 22.  

I don't give a rat's ass if you wear yoga or stretch pants, or why you choose not to. 

I hold absolutely no emotional attachment to your views regarding my personal life choices. I don't care how you feel about my parenting style, beliefs, what I'm wearing at the bus stop drop off, or how often I'm looking down at my iPhone.

If you want to share all of this stuff with me, I will listen, but not with an ear ready to judge you for your life choices. 

None of those things make us who we are. They are merely details of our lives, small parts of the big picture, and personal choices we all have the right to make. I will not use any of those facts as weapons against you or challenge you to a motherhood showdown.

I understand and appreciate that the decisions you make are none of my business. I respect your right to raise your kids and live your life however you choose; without my input or judgment. 

Being a woman and mother is hard enough. I get that, because we are the same. 

I care about your thoughts and feelings, and how they impact your choices. I know we can learn from each other, even especially if we think and feel differently. I can honor your perspective and view points even if I don't share or agree with them.

I want to learn from you. 

I care about whether or not you know how important you are in the lives of your children, and how capable you are of making tough decisions for them; even on the days you question your sanity.

Because under all the details, labels, and hats we wear - behind all of the masks and titles - we're all just scared to death. We're all just doing the best we can, and hoping it's enough. 

I don't care about your outsides, or how they compare to mine. I know that I'm not better than you, and I don't care to put on a show and pretend that I am.  

Let's care about how we relate to one another, and what kind of humans we are trying to raise. 

Let's care more about what matters -- and less about the rest.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider sharing it with your mom 
friends and joining The Mom Movement!

You may also like:

I Don't Want My Marriage Today

Next Life, NO Kids: I Don't Like What I See #Blogging #Responsibility
 I Don't Like What I See

Next Life, NO KIds: I'm So Glad I Was Wrong - A Letter To My Daughter
 I'm So Glad I Was Wrong - A Letter To My Daughter

Whether you love what you just read or hated everything about it, let's connect and talk about it! I'm always open to honest feedback. Come be social with me!

Find me on Facebook, Twitter, or on my Facebook Page!

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