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Next Life, NO Kids: Open Letter To That One Girlfriend On Facebook

January 14, 2015

Open Letter To That One Girlfriend On Facebook

Hey Girlfriend,

Can we chat for a minute? We were friends in high school so it makes total sense that we should be friends on Facebook, but I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with some of the pictures you're posting on your wall.

Firstly, it's weird you haven't aged at all in almost twenty years. You look absolutely stunning in every single one of your photos, and exactly the way I remember you from high school. Your hair is always set perfectly, and it seems you have time to apply actual makeup - to your face - every day. 

I'm spending half my life, at this point, applying acne and wrinkle cream, and you're off perfecting the art of liquid eyeliner application? That seems reasonable.

I know you've had a bunch of kids, because you've been gracious enough to take us along the journey each month with photos of your belly growing. Thanks so much for inviting me in! But like, did you gain any fucking weight? I mean, really; not even back fat?

You look like you're glowing in so many of your pictures, I convinced myself you must have photo shopped the shit out of them. Because seriously, who looks that perfect all the time? 

I did some research and concluded that not one of them has been altered. Apparently, you just look that perfect all the time.

What the fuck, Dude?

You'll have to excuse my frustration. It's just that I try to hold onto this crazy idea that all of the skinny, popular bitches I went to high school with - who had boyfriends and perfect skin and hair - who got asked out repeatedly by the boys I liked - are now extremely fat, unattractive trolls, living a miserable existence. I really don't think that's too much to ask, do you? It's not that I wish that life upon any of you, it's just that the idea makes my torturous teen years seem karmically justified in some way.

Kind of like "Mean Girls Gone Gross," you know?

Don't get me wrong, I think you're awesome, and totally appreciated our friendship during what were, quite literally, the most excruciating years of my life. 

It's not like I ever told you how much I wished I was you, or secretly prayed you'd wake up, on school picture day, with a horrible rash on your face; only to have to walk in the pouring rain to ensure a full-on afro. 

I never told you how much I enjoyed that time you found out your boyfriend had been cheating on you with that girl from "The Tech." How could I tell you I took so much pleasure in your suffering without sounding like a total bitch? 

Nope. I just sat back quietly, waiting; waiting for the day I would see you again, and you'd be hideous.

Seriously,  you're like totally ruining this for me. 

While I realize that your facebook albums are just mere snap shots into your life, I wonder how you manage to take so many pictures with your kids looking happy and content. Even your new baby looks like she just got off a yoga matted meditation.

For fuck's sake, Woman! Get a zit. Just one zit. That's all I'm asking. Can you just throw me a bone here?!?  Just let yourself go a little, tiny bit and stop being so fucking selfish.

Think about it? Awesome.

(Julie Maida. You know, "Wrong Way Taylor." Oh, just forget it.)

P.S. Your boob job looks amazing.

God help me, I hate you so much.

*For the record, I reached out to the women who inspired this post before publishing it. I wanted her to know that, although she inspired this by appearing to be perfect on Facebook, I do not really hate her. She loved the post, and appreciated the dedication. She also made it VERY clear that she is definitely NOT perfect.*



10 #Hilarious Tips For Surviving "The Toddler Years" - Next Life, NO Kids
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photo credit: oc_layos via photopin cc

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At 1/14/2015 , Anonymous Lollie ~ Fortuitous Housewife said...

Laughed so hard a snort may have slipped out.

Now I'm off to peer into my little 20x mag mirror ('cause I'm old and can't see shit anymore!) to pluck today's crop off billy goat hair that sprouted on my chin.

At 1/15/2015 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

I'll meet you there.

Having a Mombeard is awesome.

At 1/21/2015 , Anonymous Angela said...

I was quite chubby in high school and believe it or not--painfully shy. I had a pretty decent run from 2006 to 2008 (Thank you gastric bypass. I totally owned the eventual emaciated look) Then I thought I'd have twins and it went downhill from there. Grey hair, eyebrows unattended, an extra forty pounds, and a 5 O'Clock shadow.

At 3/31/2015 , Anonymous Jennifer Twilley said...

Ohmygod! Glad I'm not the only one!


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