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Next Life, NO Kids: March 2014

March 28, 2014

Better Late Than Never? I'm Going To Listen To Your Mother

I can't remember the last time I auditioned for something. It could have been for the production of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, when I was in fourth grade.  I read the lines for one of the main characters, no doubt, and was instead given the role of some loud mouthed girl in Tom's class. I didn't complain because it came with a musical number. 

Needless to say, I NAILED IT. I sang my little heart out on stage, and my mom said I was pretty much the star of the whole show. I want to say I coasted on the celebrity fumes from this for years, but sadly, my performance was quickly forgotten (or suppressed) by everyone. 

Soon after my acting debut, I traded in everything artistic for a cheerleading uniform (no offense, Barbie) and I never acted or stepped on stage again...until last month.

I had heard many wonderful things about the show Listen To Your Mother. I have been unable to watch any of the videos without being kicked in the feelings, and I have yet to find one I don't love with all my heart. 

When I found out it was coming to Boston, I was excited for the show. I couldn't wait to be in that room, filled with such powerful emotion and unquestioning trust. I imagine it's like that. I mean, how could it not be? When you give motherhood a microphone, anything is possible. And so it is. 

I decided to dust off my mad auditioning skills and give it a shot. Truth be told, I was scared shitless and fairly positive I would not get the gig. I just wanted to try. I think it was Kristen Johnston that suggested the goal of just breathing during an audition, instead of getting the role, and that's the one I set. I was NOT going to pass out during the audition, and anything aside from that was going to be a bonus. 

I decided to read Because Life Was On The List,  because it's one of my favorites, and because every time I read it I laugh and cry. My beautiful friend Allycia came with me to the audition and talked me back into it every time I changed my mind. She's awesome like that. 

Two weeks later I got the email... I GOT IT!!! Holy shit, I couldn't even breathe! I'm so honored to announce that I am an official cast member in the Listen To Your Mother Boston show!! I will not be singing, but I promise it is going to be an AMAZING time. We had our first rehearsal a couple of weeks ago and I laugh and cried the whole time. It's an unbelievable gift to be included in such a talented group of people. I'm SOOOOO excited!!

If you're going to be in the Boston area on April 26th, you should DEFINITELY come see the show!

Need tickets? Of course you do. CLICK HERE!!

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March 17, 2014

How To Survive "The Preschool Years" Without Seizing

I get the whole "Carpe Diem" thing, I do, but let's be honest. I will probably not seize every day. In fact, if we're being completely honest, some days I will be lucky to simply survive the day without seizing. 

As moms we have to stick together. We need to be gentle and honest with each other about what to expect. We also need to find humor in the little things that make us want to run. Between sleepless nights, the "But, WHY" phase, potty training, and all the other exciting moments to look forward to, it's only fair that we should share our secrets of survival, right? Amen.

It has recently occurred to me that surviving my son's "Preschool Years" is all about accepting the fact that everything in my life will be interrupted, disrupted, and sometimes slightly annoying. It's that simple really. I must accept that while there is a very curious, energetic, talkative four year old in my house, there will be very little peace, solitude, sex, or silence. If I can only come to terms with this fact, and discard any and all expectations, the days can be delightful.

Here are some examples of what I mean.

Chance to sleep in? 
HA! Forget about it. If it is light outside it will be "time to wake up!!" NOW.

Relaxing with a nice cup of coffee?
Good one. He will want to play Bingo. I will be reminded that I told him last night that we could play "tomorrow" and that it's "tomorrow already."

Nature's calling?
My morning poop will be interrupted so he can show me that the block is actually red, his lunch box is empty, or one of his books has a tear in it. These things will not wait until I am finished. 

Getting him dressed?
If I have picked out his clothes, he will inform me that he's "big now" and can pick out his own clothes. He will then ask me to help him put everything on because he "can't do it!!!!"

He won't want the toast he asked for because he'll remember he didn't want butter on it. He'll think he wants cereal...no, a bagel with cream cheese; and some juice. NOT apple juice, ORANGE juice. No, maybe water. Never mind he's not hungry. Can we play Bingo now? 

Putting his younger sibling down for a nap? 
Good luck to me. He'll just want to be with me. Seven minutes apart from me will be, "too long."

He can stay, but needs to be quiet and whisper?
He'll just have to tell me "one more thing before whispering." Can we play Bingo now?

He'll be ready to eat breakfast now.

In the middle of a phone call? 
He'll just want to tell me something!!!

Want him to nap? 
Dream on. There's way too much to do today. Oh, and by the way...*EPIC TANTRUM*

Trying to enjoy the rest of the afternoon? 
Are you kidding me? He needs a nap! NO ONE will be enjoying anything. Bingo will turn into five more reasons for a meltdown.

Prepared a nice dinner? 
He'll be sure his brother got more broccoli, the chicken will be too hot, the carrots not orange enough, and he will decided he doesn't like mashed potatoes anymore. He'll want to know why we can't order pizza. He likes pizza!

Trying to have a conversation with _________? 
He'll just want to tell me something!!!

Want to watch a movie? 
He'll want to watch Toy Story 2. He won't care that we only own Toy Story 3.  

Want to read a book? 
He'll know that part and want to read it himself. Then, I will be asked read it. He will tell me I'm reading it the wrong way. Half way through he'll want to read a different book.

He won't be able to sleep because his room is too dark and the moon is too bright. He'll need some water.

Finally, he's in bed??? Whoo Hoo!!!

Sexy-naked time with the Mr.?? 
No. He still won't be able sleep because his brother is breathing too loud. He'll have to pee because he drank too much water. 

He'll just want to ask me one more thing. 

"Can we play Bingo tomorrow?"

Seize the day, my ass. How to SURVIVE "The Preschool Years" without Seizing #Hilarious #Funny #SOTrue

Original (changes made) photo credit: angellea (glitterbug) via photopin cc

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March 13, 2014

25 Things I Learned On My 36th Birthday

1. Repeating the mantra "There is NO whining on Mommy's birthday," is a ridiculous waste of time.

2. When a four year old tells you he wants to take you to IHOP for pancakes to celebrate your birthday, he's just using you for the ride. 

3. Do not let a toddler play with shit you ever want to see again. 

4. A spaghetti strainer makes for not only a super cute hat, but also a great place to hide shit if you're a toddler. 

5. The picture of the HUGE stack of pancakes on the IHOP menu is way smaller in real life. 

6. Not all toddlers like pancakes. 

7. Handing a toddler one of those little creamer cups to play with so he'll stop screaming in a crowded restaurant is, in fact, a terrible idea.

8. Toddlers are the devil's playground. 

9. Not everyone who eats at IHOP likes children.

10. Wedging yourself in a booth, snuggly between coats and a highchair, ensures that your 4yo will immediately need to poop fifteen minutes ago.

11. If you want to receive your check promptly at IHOP, bring small children.

13. No matter how many times you ask a four year old to use the bathroom before getting into the car, half way to wherever you are going, he will have to poop again immediately and it will be all your fault.

14. It is impossible to get anywhere fast enough a four year old has to poop.

15. "I want some privacy in the bathroom," means there will definitely be shit smeared all over the wall and hand towels.

16. Cleaning up human shit while the person responsible asks if you "want to play Bingo when you're done?" should be funny, but it's not.

17. Clorox wipes are the greatest things ever invented.

18. Spending the whole day with your kids can help get you completely over the mourning and loss of your uterus and the idea of never being able to have any more children.

19.  Don't let your four year old to watch movies like "FROZEN," because when you ask him to put his coat on in the waiting area of the pediatrician's office he will scream, "But MOM!! I just can't live like this anymore!!" and you will want to kill yourself.

20. Not everyone in my pediatrician's office has a sense of humor. 

21. If you decided to drown your feelings of shame into what's left of your ice-cold latte - wondering what the fuck ever possessed you to have so many children - you'll probably almost choke to death and pull a muscle in your neck.

23. When your husband surprises you by coming home early from work with a box of cake to bake for you... your oven will be broken and your house will reek of gas for an hour.

24. When all else fails, have an amazing husband who understands how fucked up life gets and comes prepared. He will be hiding a beautiful store bought cake in his car...and it will be delish.

25. Always keep your expectations super low with the full understanding that life is comedy.