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Next Life, NO Kids: February 2014

February 13, 2014

Balance Is A Bulls*it Fallacy

I'm starting to think there's something seriously wrong with me.

For the last week I've been on a roll with keeping up with errands, housework, and all the things. I even hit the gym every day!

I get into a groove and start to settle in. I allow myself to feel wonderful about my abilities to do all the things, and then... BOOM, something inevitably happens and suddenly I find myself questioning everything.

When things are going well at home there's not much time to blog. Sure, I'm making sure that Sober Mommies is taken care of, but I put pressure on myself to be in all the groups and getting back to people in a timely manner. I love blogging and all of the friendships that have stemmed from it. I do it for ME. I blog to process or bitch or to just roll with whatever I feel is crushing me. It has been a life saver. It has often saved me from myself.

Lately, it feels like I'm suffocating. Too many groups, too many pages, too much of all the things. Then I start to wonder what the hell I'm even doing. I mean, do I really care how many fucking Twitter followers I have??

Finding "balance" seems impossible and I'm starting to think perhaps it's a word Maria Kang made up to make us feel extra shitty about ourselves. I'm about to file it under, "unattainable bullshit," along with other words like "perfect" and "skinny jeans." 

WTF, Dude! 

I feel like I can't fucking win. Also, I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't understand the game we're playing...and the rules. I get overwhelmed so easily when I'm feeling like this, and then the added bonus of listening to the kids whine like a pack of dying kittens makes me completely stabby. Is it terrible that I would totally welcome a trip to the loony bin right now? Give me some fuzzy slippers, a plastic urine scented mattress, and don't allow me any visitors.  

I know the problem is me. I just wish any part of life was easy sometimes. I wish I could go a whole two weeks without feeling maladjusted and ill equipped at life and motherhood. 

How do some of you make this shit look so easy?  Am I the only one that feels like I'm missing vital SuperWoman DNA?

photo credit: hans s via photopin cc

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February 05, 2014

The Face Of Depression Is NEVER Ugly #DayOfLight

This is the face of Depression. 

I think I was thirteen the first time someone said that word to me. My parents had "concerns" because I had been withdrawing. I learned very quickly after that how to hide behind masks and avoid this concern. 

Depression has been a long time companion of mine and along my journey I have met some amazing people that know her too. There have been many times in my life that the words, "Me too" have saved me. My most recent experience with depression was one of them. 

After I had my youngest son in 2012, I fell flat on my face in what I can only describe as an emotional abomination. I felt broken, alone, and scared of my own thoughts. I hated myself because of them and spun in a circle of defeat. I found some blogs about depression and felt less alone. The words I read pulled me up very slowly. I found the courage to write down my own and I found freedom. 

The amazing blogging community saved my life. They took me under their wings and encouraged me every day to speak my truth until it didn't feel ugly anymore. The face of depression is NEVER ugly. It's the feelings of despair, the secrets we hide behind beautiful smiles, and all the lies we tell ourselves that are ugly. 

So, today I share my truth alongside many of the amazing women that helped me out of my darkness. Today I celebrate a Day Of Light and help to break the silence that Depression wants me in. If you are struggling, please know that you are not alone. Please know that there is hope. Please believe that you are beautiful, powerful, and worth it. 

Please let someone help you. 

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