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Next Life, NO Kids: Now Hiring: Between 8-10 Sister Wives

October 17, 2013

Now Hiring: Between 8-10 Sister Wives

Alright, so if you read my last post about not wanting my marriage today, you know it's been a little bumpy here. Honestly, that day I was just venting it out and my husband and I are back on track. I appreciate all of the support we received.

I have a ton on my plate lately with some crazy-exciting developments regarding my Sober Mommies blog/website. Balancing all of the jobs I have at home and keeping up with blogging and the social media frenzy often finds me flustered and stupid. So, I started thinking about how I could manage it all and keep everyone happy. Cloning myself is obviously out of the question as it requires scientific expertise that I simply do not have. So, I have decided to do the next best thing; hire some sister wives.

I know, I know, what a fantastic idea, right?! This will surely be the answer and solution.

I've never seen the show "Sister Wives", and I'm not sure that "hiring" is the right word or even how to go about head hunting for the open positions. It would be pretty cool if there was some sort of catalog I could just order some from. No, I do not condone human trafficking, it's disgusting to even joke about... BUT, the catalog thing = great idea. I've been working on the job description. Here's what I've come up with...

  • Minimum Masters degree in anything that requires a ton of explanation and long stories. Smoke and mirrors in the form of intelligent conversation will definitely be a refreshing change from the disgusting potty-talk I usually have to offer people.
  • Must be less attractive and much heavier than me. Duh.
  • Wearing nightgowns and tennis shoes all the time is optional, but totally encouraged.
  • Please know how to cook...anythingI suck in the kitchen and would love a home cooked meal that my poor husband doesn't have to slave over. I make a killer chicken parm... and that's it. It's been scientifically proven in this house that there are only so many nights chicken parm can be consumed without wanting to throw up. 
  • Please be fluent in all sorts of math that they teach in high school even though it's never required in real life. You will be responsible to help the teen with her Algebra XVI and trigonometry homework. Must be comfortable with obscenities and insults being screamed at you because you are trying to help. 
  • Must be quick on your feet and have more energy than a one year old boy that may or may not be secretly taking large quantities of amphetamines behind my back.  
  • The ability to translate and articulate the meanings behind countless and explosive tantrums/meltdowns from a wide range of ages is welcomed.
  • Be a qualified mental health or social worker! It's always good to have more than one of those around. Licensed to prescribe and dispense medication? Perfect. 
  • Please love Lifetime Television without shame. 
  • Must share in my absolute hatred of everything Caillou and understand that his name must NEVER be spoken in my house unless the word "Fuck" comes first. Please note: swearing in front of the children is strictly prohibited. We save that shit for after they go to bed.
  • It would be super great if you are somehow lactating and willing to take a shift or two. The toddler has six teeth now and he's not afraid to use them as weapons. This leads me to the next...
  • A very high tolerance for nipple pain and ability to stay awake for days at a time is mandatory.  We're no stranger to twelve hour nursing marathons around here lately...(WTF???)
  • Oh, and this position may or may not include having sex with my husband if I'm too tired. You're welcome. ;)

Serious inquiries only. This is an unpaid position and there is no time off. Benefits are paid in love, high-fives, hugs, and personal satisfaction. We are an equal opportunity family and will look over  and consider all submitted applications. 

P.S. Please submit your application to me directly as I have not yet shared this amazing news with my husband. Thanks in advance! I look forward to sharing everything with you....(except my hair straightener, that's off limits).  

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At 10/17/2013 , Anonymous MolleyMills said...

I'm in... but I don't iron

At 10/17/2013 , Anonymous Dana said...

As cool as it would be to hang out with you, Julie - you're not really selling it. And you wouldn't want me - my lactating days are over and I'm a crappy cook. Good luck with your search; you're gonna need it :)

At 10/17/2013 , Anonymous The Next Step said...

I absolutely will cook you dinner. And I'm *totally* heavier than you. Wait until you see my full frontal pictures in the mermaid costume. yikes! I'm hoping Jenn can give me enough zombie make up to take the attention away from the fact that I *still* look pregnant with twins! Send me your address and I'll bring over a home-prepped meal with cooking instructions. ;-)

As for the rest of that stuff - you need a MUCH younger sister wife. I hope all those qualifications aren't required in ONE person?

At 10/17/2013 , Anonymous The Next Step said...

who still irons??

At 10/17/2013 , Anonymous MolleyMills said...

umm... not this sister wife!

At 10/17/2013 , Anonymous Considerer said...

I cook. I can definitely do heavier and uglier. I could probably stretch to keeping up with your gorgeous 1 y/o. I can stay awake for days.

But I suck at math and refuse to breast feed or sleep with your husband. Buy him a fleshlight and have done with it... ;)

At 10/17/2013 , Anonymous Laura said...

Haha, I love sister wives! If it wasn't for the whole bible toting requirement I might find a few of my own. Math though, isn't that why Apple invented Siri?

At 10/17/2013 , Anonymous Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Cook - yes. Math - No. Hate Caillou - yes. Lactating; lots of energy - Absolutely NOT!! Sorry. I guess I'm not qualified. :(

At 10/18/2013 , Anonymous Cheryl P. Stober said...

I want a Sister Wife to do my scrapbooking. Because I have no scrapbooks.

And the process of finding a new wife is called "courting" on the show. Yes, I've watched MANY episodes. I can't look away. :)

At 10/23/2013 , Anonymous Linda_Roy_elleroy_was_here said...

I can cook like nobody's business but even my kid knows not to bother asking me about Algebra. It won't do anybody any good. ;)

At 11/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Cheryl, I actually have an IRL friend that will do that for you. It's her thing. She takes all your photos and puts something lovely together for you. Let me know if you want to "court" her... ;)

At 11/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Whatever, you're hired. :)

At 11/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Ha! I'm pretty sure that's the only reason Apple invented Siri. She clearly wasn't meant for GPS purposes, but that's a post for another day. No bibles required at mi casa... totally optional. Think about it. ;)

At 11/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

You have been grandmothered in to the program. You're welcome.

At 11/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Ha! Thanks, Dana.

At 11/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Ummm... how many people do you think are taking care of that stuff now? Okay, MOST of the stuff....

At 11/20/2013 , Anonymous Considerer said...

Grandmothered? What the hell? Am I even old enough for that?

At 3/20/2015 , Anonymous Jules-Julie Marie Barham said...

I'd happily be your sister wife. I'll start packing. I'm a package deal though... I come with a 20 month old angel. Optional would be a 41 year old cool dude. He can be included if you want, or not... entirely up to you.

At 4/19/2015 , Anonymous Rae said...

Damn. I was SO with you until I got to the math part. Once again, algebra has ruined a fabulous opportunity for me!


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