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Next Life, NO Kids: October 2013

October 25, 2013

Holy Cowsers!!!

This is such exciting news, I must post it here. After all, if it had not been for this blog, and all of the support I received from you through so many of my ups and downs, this wouldn't be happening. Let's be honest; without this blog and all of you, I wouldn't be happening right now. 

Words cannot express how eternally grateful I am for you. So much so that I could totally break out into a Celine Dion song for you right now... 
Because I love you, I will spare you that torture. Instead I will share with you that I have WONDERFUL news!! 

Thanks to your support and love I have the amazing opportunity to take a HUGE leap of faith and... 

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October 17, 2013

Now Hiring: Between 8-10 Sister Wives

Alright, so if you read my last post about not wanting my marriage today, you know it's been a little bumpy here. Honestly, that day I was just venting it out and my husband and I are back on track. I appreciate all of the support we received.

I have a ton on my plate lately with some crazy-exciting developments regarding my Sober Mommies blog/website. Balancing all of the jobs I have at home and keeping up with blogging and the social media frenzy often finds me flustered and stupid. So, I started thinking about how I could manage it all and keep everyone happy. Cloning myself is obviously out of the question as it requires scientific expertise that I simply do not have. So, I have decided to do the next best thing; hire some sister wives.

I know, I know, what a fantastic idea, right?! This will surely be the answer and solution.

I've never seen the show "Sister Wives", and I'm not sure that "hiring" is the right word or even how to go about head hunting for the open positions. It would be pretty cool if there was some sort of catalog I could just order some from. No, I do not condone human trafficking, it's disgusting to even joke about... BUT, the catalog thing = great idea. I've been working on the job description. Here's what I've come up with...

  • Minimum Masters degree in anything that requires a ton of explanation and long stories. Smoke and mirrors in the form of intelligent conversation will definitely be a refreshing change from the disgusting potty-talk I usually have to offer people.
  • Must be less attractive and much heavier than me. Duh.
  • Wearing nightgowns and tennis shoes all the time is optional, but totally encouraged.
  • Please know how to cook...anythingI suck in the kitchen and would love a home cooked meal that my poor husband doesn't have to slave over. I make a killer chicken parm... and that's it. It's been scientifically proven in this house that there are only so many nights chicken parm can be consumed without wanting to throw up. 
  • Please be fluent in all sorts of math that they teach in high school even though it's never required in real life. You will be responsible to help the teen with her Algebra XVI and trigonometry homework. Must be comfortable with obscenities and insults being screamed at you because you are trying to help. 
  • Must be quick on your feet and have more energy than a one year old boy that may or may not be secretly taking large quantities of amphetamines behind my back.  
  • The ability to translate and articulate the meanings behind countless and explosive tantrums/meltdowns from a wide range of ages is welcomed.
  • Be a qualified mental health or social worker! It's always good to have more than one of those around. Licensed to prescribe and dispense medication? Perfect. 
  • Please love Lifetime Television without shame. 
  • Must share in my absolute hatred of everything Caillou and understand that his name must NEVER be spoken in my house unless the word "Fuck" comes first. Please note: swearing in front of the children is strictly prohibited. We save that shit for after they go to bed.
  • It would be super great if you are somehow lactating and willing to take a shift or two. The toddler has six teeth now and he's not afraid to use them as weapons. This leads me to the next...
  • A very high tolerance for nipple pain and ability to stay awake for days at a time is mandatory.  We're no stranger to twelve hour nursing marathons around here lately...(WTF???)
  • Oh, and this position may or may not include having sex with my husband if I'm too tired. You're welcome. ;)

Serious inquiries only. This is an unpaid position and there is no time off. Benefits are paid in love, high-fives, hugs, and personal satisfaction. We are an equal opportunity family and will look over  and consider all submitted applications. 

P.S. Please submit your application to me directly as I have not yet shared this amazing news with my husband. Thanks in advance! I look forward to sharing everything with you....(except my hair straightener, that's off limits).  

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October 03, 2013

I Don't Want My Marriage Today

I feel like my marriage is broken; the kind of broken that can’t be fixed with a date night or vacation. At this point, I feel like just the suggestion would be like throwing a box of Band-Aids at broken legs.

I don’t want to cover up the wounds with Neosporin and hope they don’t scar. We’ve been doing that for too long. A “time out” isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’m sure it’s my fault. My foundation is cracked and I haven’t been sturdy on my feet in quite some time. Maybe I’ve leaned on him too much. 
My friend Depression has been staying with us periodically and seems to feel most comfortable wedged right between us. Plus, I’m not always the greatest housewife and often he comes home right after a tornado has come through the house. Oh, the laundry is piled and you have no boxer shorts for tomorrow? Sorry, I was chasing your son around all day making sure he didn’t choke or get brain damage. You’re welcome.
We’re both tired. Tired like you read about, and stressed out by the beautiful life we’ve created together. There’s not enough time to enjoy it right now and instead we resent each other and argue about nothing. Some people say children bring couples together. Maybe… in the delivery room and possibly the nursing home, but other than that? I call bullshit.
Our parenting styles are totally different. Apparently I’m the disciplinarian. I say no and it means no. He says maybe and it means yes. I feel like I play the bad guy all the time with the teen and four year old and he doesn’t understand why that upsets me. I spend all day with a toddler and when he gets home I’m practically at the door ready to run away. Dinner? Laughable.
I don’t know why I thought this would be easier. I feel like we’re the only ones struggling with their beautiful life because no one talks about it. “Do you ever hate your husband?” is not a question I would feel comfortable throwing out there in fear the answer would be, “Oh my God, how could I? Our life is perfect.”  God damn you, June and Ward Cleaver for making it look so simple.  There is nothing simple about this.
I miss my marriage today. 
I miss my best friend and the unwavering, “Us” we were before all of these wonderful blessings came along and fucked it all up. We made each other better. We were a team. There was nothing we could not accomplish together.

photo credit: little.rose via photopin cc

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