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Next Life, NO Kids: Open Letter To The Juniors Department

August 16, 2013

Open Letter To The Juniors Department


Dear Junior's Department,

I feel like I'm the only one trying to make this relationship work. We used to be so close and lately I feel like you're pulling away from me. I know I'm not as young or thin as I used to be, but come on!  I'm simply not ready for the next step ie. flat mom-butt jeans that I have to tuck under my armpits.



Have you seen some of the shit in the women's department? It's like they're trying to neuter me or something! I'm 30-something, not dead! I may not use my vagina as much as I'd like to, but it still works, and I'd like to celebrate that. Let's at least keep the option of sex open, in case the opportunity arises, shall we? Is that too much to ask?  

What happened to us? You used to be so much more forgiving, and comfortable around me. Now it's almost like you're going out of your way to make me look like a fool. Like, stop challenging what's left of my waistline. This may sound strange to you, but I do not, at any point, ever want my ass crack visible to strangers (or my mother). Can we talk about some of your brightly colored, flowery patterns...on pants? I mean, really. 

I would also like to discuss skinny jeans and JEGGINGS. You're killing me. Whose fucked up idea were these? Why would I waste 45 minutes of getting gussied up time squeezing myself into what might as well be sausage wrapping? Who the fuck even looks good in skinny jeans??? I'll tell you who, NO ONE; not even skinny people. Besides, you can't make skinny jeans and not make fat jeans. That's like size-ist or something, and I'm pretty sure that shit's illegal. Watch yourself.

Anyway, just stop being an asshole, okay? I really hope we can work this out. I'm not willing to give up just yet, but for fuck's sake (literally), throw me a bone here! 

Shut up, I still love you.

Love,

Julie



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22 Comments:

At 8/16/2013 , Anonymous Eli J. Pacheco said...

Why are jeggings the crumbs of the earth, but yoga pants are manna from heaven? They seem like they're such close cousins. Some mysteries are best left unsolved.

 
At 8/16/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

I agree. Yoga pants are for yoga... it's just totally confusing for people because they named them yoga pants. Jeggings though...are like yoga pants made of stretchy denim... It's like against nature.

 
At 8/16/2013 , Anonymous Insomniac's Dream said...

If you wear a thong, people will see that instead of your ass crack. You're welcome.

 
At 8/16/2013 , Anonymous Considerer said...

*wonders how much of an asshole to be* Ya 'mine' wanna check your sausage-wrapping line ;)
i know, I know - autocorrect got ya, right?

(Can we still be BFFs?)

 
At 8/16/2013 , Anonymous Outsmarted Mommy said...

LMAO! You can't make skinny jeans and not fat ones. Love you! Try the Gap...they might be a little more expensive but not designer expensive and they last long like through an ice age long. I have a couple pairs that are my go to jeans that I've had for longer than I will EVER admit.

 
At 8/16/2013 , Anonymous Blair Francis said...

Amen to the vagina bit! This had me in stitches!

 
At 8/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Thanks Blair! I'm glad you enjoyed it!! :)

 
At 8/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Thanks for the tip! I'll check it out. :)

 
At 8/20/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Starr, there's only one other thing that might be as gross as seeing my butt crack hanging out of my jeans, and that's a thong...

 
At 8/21/2013 , Anonymous Rebecca Erwin said...

Thank you!! I wish there was a Jr. Ladies section. The look of Jr.s but our size.

 
At 8/21/2013 , Anonymous The Shitastrophy said...

My body fits in lands end - but my mind wishes it were Banana Republic, J Crew, or anywhere else where there is actual fashion that does not involve so much elastic. Sigh.

 
At 8/22/2013 , Anonymous One Funny Motha said...

I hear ya.

 
At 8/23/2013 , Anonymous Parent Hard said...

Skinnies will be over any minute now. For sure. Just wait... and ... now? Not quite yet, huh? How bout... nope. (Whistles). Maybe give it two or three more minutes? Right. So. We're waiting.

Well, this is awkward.

 
At 8/23/2013 , Anonymous Nannypology Stories said...

The clothes are getting smaller and brighter by the second. It's frightening. What's with the "shorts" that go up to their waist bu still show the cheeks? Not cool.
I had my "aha I'm not a junior moment" a couple years ago when I found myself appalled at the level of see-through-ness in forever 21. And I'm not even a prude! Just not as fit and young as I once was. *tear*

 
At 8/25/2013 , Anonymous Lucy Ball said...

Amen, sister! The only people who look good in those things are 9 year old boys. And that's just plain wrong.

 
At 8/27/2013 , Anonymous Shanique Roca said...

I don't even know if I should comment but I love skinny jeans and jeggings..then again I'm 22. If you wanna beat ne up I'm here caz of Lizzi. Beat her too

 
At 8/27/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

What are you psychic too? I totally want to beat you up right now! I'm glad you commented though. Thanks for popping by!! Stick around ;)

 
At 8/27/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Right?

 
At 8/27/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

We need a Forever 35 store, no?

 
At 8/27/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

LOVE.

 
At 8/27/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Fuck elastic. Why hasn't someone invented reasonably priced jeans for women? Why is that so tough?

 
At 8/27/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

YES!! That would be AWESOME!!

 

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