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Next Life, NO Kids: Postpartum Shape Wear For Ants???

April 08, 2013

Postpartum Shape Wear For Ants???

I'm fat. So much so that my New England friends might say that it's "wicked." They don't though; which I think is just cruel. I get the standard, "You just had a baby!" blah blah blah, which in my opinion is like handing me a VIP ticket to morbid obesity with a back stage pass to diabetes. 

I'm currently the biggest I've ever been, and barely fit my 'wow, yer super fat' postpartum clothing. So, after checking out some super cute skirts (that would never fit me) my friend Tracy @ Momiacal is selling on eBay, I decided to search, "postpartum shapewear."

Here's what I found...


(And yes, I did totally rip this picture off the web, but that's only because they wouldn't let me borrow it. It's for science or something! This picture stole my joy AND ruined my day so... whatever; they started it. You can report me if you want, but at least finish reading this first, then decide. That's all I ask.)

A few things come to mind when I look at this woman modeling "postpartum shape wear." 

The first is, WHAT THE FUCK!?! 

It's possible that this woman has never even seen a baby, never mind carried one inside of her for a year. Why is she modeling "postpartum shape wear"? Am I supposed to believe that I will look like this if I buy it? I don't know about you, but I hate her guts. Looking at this photo however, it is questionable whether she even has guts, so I'll just hate her. 

The other thing that popped into my mind after seeing this is postpartum shape wear is clearly for ants. How can it make me look thinner, if I can't even fit in the building?? So, there's that. (That's a Zoolander reference for the younger crowd. Dear Lord, now I'm feeling fat and old. Awesome.)

You're killing me over here people. Clean it up! Can't you just give me like a realistic idea of what my huge body might look in your space suit for fatties? Even if you promised me that you could slim 20% of my cake top, muffin fanny, I'd totally dish out the dough. But this is just silly. What's the return policy? Are they going to take this back after it's all stretched out, frayed at every seam, and stained with sweat marks? I didn't think so.

It appears I will not be leaving the house any time soon. 






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18 Comments:

At 4/08/2013 , Anonymous Stacy said...

Went out to a nice brunch yesterday and decided to wear a dress. So naturally I had to put some spanx on. My top half looked great. So much so that my husband, who gained almost as much baby weight as I did, asked if they make Spanx for men. Then we looked down, there were fat roles being pushed out the bottom of the spanx and being deposited right above my knees. I suppose it had to go somewhere....

 
At 4/08/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Well, at least you got into them! I imagine getting into Spanx for me right now might be something like wrestling a grizzly. Not that I'm opposed to something like that, but I'd probably be too tired to actually go out afterwards...ya know?

 
At 4/08/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

At least you got into them! I imagine getting into Spanx for me right now might be something like wrestling a grizzly. Not that I'm opposed to something like that, but I'd probably be too tired to actually go out afterwards...ya know?

 
At 4/08/2013 , Anonymous Stephanie Sprenger said...

I can't quite decide if this post is enough to deter me from eating the cupcake that is sitting in front of me. No....no, it's not. xo

 
At 4/08/2013 , Anonymous ttoombs08 said...

You never see the postpartum lectures in sex ed, do ya? I wonder how that would work as a contraceptive in high school. ;)

 
At 4/08/2013 , Anonymous Tracy @ Momaical said...

Yeah - I had a crazy stressful day today and stuffed my face with enough crap to stop three of out four cow hearts. Yay. My rolls now have rolls.

 
At 4/09/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

HA! I was thinking of posting a picture of what the shape wear ACTUALLY makes me look, but I changed my mind last minute. You're welcome. :)

 
At 4/09/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Seriously, if they only knew. But let's be fair, if any of us knew, the world might be much less populated ;)

 
At 4/09/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

I wish I couldn't completely relate to that. My back fat has back fat. WTF?

 
At 4/09/2013 , Anonymous Dana said...

You crack me up, Julie! I was spitting cracker crumbs all over my lap top as I read this. Because I am eating as usual, of course.

 
At 4/09/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

That is a wonderful trade off, good for you. Let's strike. Perhaps we can burn shape wear like they burned bras in the 60s. We could start a revolution! Catered of course...

 
At 4/10/2013 , Anonymous Break the Mom Mold said...

"Can't you like just give me like a realistic idea of what my huge body might look in your space suit for fattys?" LOL!!!! I love you lots! You crack me up, and guess what?? I didn't give birth to my son 7 years ago, but I still have all the baby weight to show for it. Yes my friend, I am 50 lbs heavier than I was when he was born....so there's that.

 
At 4/15/2013 , Anonymous Lucy Ball said...

I'd be laughing louder if I wasn't busy being bummed out about how true this is. I think I'll go eat a cookie. That'll help.

 
At 4/18/2013 , Anonymous Lisa Newlin said...

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT BEING FAT! You stop it right now!


First of all, you had a baby. Yes, you grew a human being. I realize it's kind of alien-like, and it super creeps me out, but it's true, and you should realize that affects your body (and presumably, your vagina, although I'm not here to judge.)


Did you know if you do (I) it looks like a vagina...or maybe ( I ) would be after childbirth.


Okay, I'm pretty much ensuring you delete my comment immediately, but you should know better than to allow me to comment. Puh-lease.


Second of all (yes, I'm back on track), didn't you know back fat is sexy? Yeah, it is. Recognize and own it. Interestingly, it also serves a storage flap for small things like peanuts and pens. Just an FYI.

You are beautiful just as you are, but if you want to make some changes, then do it and we will all support you along the way. i think a lot of it is just getting in the mental state to do it. We all don't want to be fat, but most of us (or the cool ones, anyway), have a hard time sticking to the execution of the plan...which is not eating crap.

Not actual crap. Don't eat actual crap. I don't think that's sanitary at all.

So keep your (double) chin up! There are other fellow fatties out there who are waiving our flabby arms at you in support.


And burn that photo of the post partum thing. For real. I've never had a child and I might have post partum depression just from looking at that photo.

 
At 4/18/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Me too, but it's coming off slowly. I put myself on a fatty diet and my new goal is to fit into postpartum shape wear ;) Thanks for your comment!!

 
At 4/18/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

HA! Eat one for me.... make it two ;)

 
At 4/18/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Oh my God, how could I ever delete this comment, it's one of my faves! You are awesome. And for the record, it's more like (0) after childbirth, but you were close. I promise not to eat crap, actual or not, and I'll keep all of my chins up in solute of you, my friend. Oh look, I found a peanut!

 
At 4/23/2013 , Anonymous Xiomara said...

I understand the feeling. It's so hard to think positively about our bodies, but try we must. And, yes, what is with that model and her lack of guts?

 

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