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Next Life, NO Kids: Judgment Sucks Both Ways

April 01, 2013

Judgment Sucks Both Ways

I am having a horrible day with my PPD. My head is telling me that I'm a loser. That I'm a terrible mother, wife, and friend, and that all of my choices are wrong. I'm convinced that I'm going to screw up my kids somehow and believing a little of the lie that they'd be better off without me. I'm scared and I feel alone, but don't want to see or talk to anyone.

I'm hanging by a thread here and I'm wondering how many other women are feeling this way right now. I feel ugly on the inside and the out. I can't get my head on straight.

I'm using facebook and twitter to "connect" to others while still totally hiding, but there's so much negativity. I'm sick of negativity. I start my day on that foot and as much as I know it's not anyone else's responsibility to make me feel better, it would be great if I didn't feel worse. We women are SO mean to each other. I'm reading some of the comments and blogs and articles lately and I'm overwhelmed with blah and bleck. Someone judges and then someone else posts about how terrible that person is for being judgmental and then 70 other women comment. It's overwhelming and exhausting. Judgement hurts both ways. 

Maybe it's the depression causing me to feel "over-sensitive"? How many other women that are in my spot are feeling the same way? What if out of fear I made a comment to you that sounded judgmental? What if you didn't know that I'm suffering and suffocating over here. What if my comment was just a defense mechanism to protect myself? What of instead of offering support or digging deeper you just posted about it on facebook or twitter? What if 80 of your friends and followers also commented about what a terrible person I must be or how I have no right? What if I saw your post or even just identified with it? What if that was all it took to throw me over the edge? Is it worth it to make a point or teach me a lesson? Do my friends then get to judge and attack you etc.? Where does it end?

My husband says that social media is the devil, and I'm starting to wonder if he's right. It doesn't have to be. I keep thinking about poor Amanda Todd and how social media beat her to her death and then, even after her passing, kicked her around some more. Maybe we're failing our youth because we're failing each other. I cannot be the only one feeling this. Where is everyone?

When do we get to take responsibility for each other and support each other instead of kicking each other while we're down? Aren't we all the same? Don't we all have days when we're unsure and full of fear; days we worry that we're doing this whole mothering thing all wrong? Why can't we use these same tools as a supportive outlet rather than a damaging one? Is that way too much to ask? 

I wished everyone a Happy Judgement Week a few weeks back, but sadly it appears it has been extended. Please help me to stop Judgement Year. This is so unnecessary and has the power to be extremely harmful. 

I'm going to say and do things that you don't agree with, that's life. When I do, please be gentle because I'm really not sure what it will do to me if you push. I'm fragile and exposed and vulnerable and I need your support. It's not a weakness! 

Let's please stop this cycle and make some changes in our approach towards each other. Hopefully our daughters will see the changes in us and want to join us. Maybe we can stop this and help prevent more women from harming themselves. 

Maybe I'm stupid, silly, and naive, but isn't it worth a shot? 

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At 4/02/2013 , Anonymous Jenn @ Mommy Needs a Martini said...

Amen, sista girl! PPD is hard enough without people throwing judging daggers. Just remember you can only do the best you can do, not what everyone expects you to do!

At 4/03/2013 , Anonymous Julie @ Next Life, NO Kids said...

Thanks Jenn!! I appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment. PPD is hard enough and we can only do our best. Thanks for the support!! :)

At 4/03/2013 , Blogger Middletini said...

I've been right where you are. As a new mom, I subscribed to a local mom's listserv, and the level of sanctimommy-ness just about killed me. I had to unsubscribe. The thing is, you're actually the normal one. Anyone who doesn't find this gig overwhelming and want to curl up in fetal position from time to time is (a) a big lying liar who lies, or (b) heavily medicated (and needs to share what they're taking). Think about all the mommies out there just like you. Imagine if you could zoom out all over America and identify them, the map would light up like Christmas. The Judgy McJudgersons are loud but relatively few. Screw them.

You know who's awesome? You, for getting out of bed when you don't feel like it and mothering your children as best you can. They're going to be fine. The fact that you worry about what kind of mother you are actually makes you a good mother. You know what else is awesome? The fact that you're sharing your internal landscape so that other moms can see it and know they're normal. That's what social media can do for people.

Depression blows. You are kicking its ass, even though you might not feel like it now. Keep the faith, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and block out the haters as best you can.

At 4/03/2013 , Anonymous Julie @ Next Life, NO Kids said...

Thank you SO much for this. I appreciate it more than I can share in a reply. You just made me proud to suffer. I know that just sounded WAY wrong, but I often forget about the beauty in the break. My pain always makes sense when I share it with someone else who's struggling too. Thank you, really.

At 4/04/2013 , Anonymous Break the Mom Mold said...

What???!!! I love you and support you! Don't be sad or mad or scared, I mean you can if you need to be, I just want to help you feel better. Come visit and I will make us some sangria and we can be non-judgmental together. Or we can just pretend and have some sangria while we tweet. You don't have to tell me if you're not really drinking sangria, and I won't tell you that I am really drinking hot tea with lemon. I know we only love each other in internet life, but you can still count on me. So please do.... you know where to find me.

At 4/05/2013 , Anonymous Kim- One Classy Motha said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I was there after both of my children. It's little consolation to tell you that you'll eventually see the light again, so in the meantime I hope my blog can give you a much needed laugh. After all, that's why I love writing it:)


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