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Next Life, NO Kids: It's Possible Disney Princesses Were Just A**hole Teenagers

April 26, 2013

It's Possible Disney Princesses Were Just A**hole Teenagers


Next Life NO Kids: Are Disney Princesses Just Asshole Teenagers? Good question... #Hilarious #Teengirls #Motherhood
 I miss my little girl; the one who used to think I was awesome. The kid who always wanted to sit right next to me on the couch, and used to draw me pictures so I wouldn’t forget how much she loved me. 

I've been thinking about that little girl a lot lately while I sift through text messages laced with contempt. 

She loved classic Disney movies about beautiful princesses in castles, and the evil stepmothers and witches that usually wanted them dead.

All my little princess wants to do with me these days is go shopping, because I have a credit card. I'm barely allowed to speak during these trips because I'm "so annoying."
 
All it takes is trying to have any kind of meaningful conversation about her future to turn me into a "total psycho."

And then it hit me…

Most of our favorite Disney movies are about a beautiful young girl and some "wicked" wench ruining her life.

Could it be that fairy tales are the back story of mothers and daughters? Now, now,  no one wants my daughter dead (in case you went there). Let me explain.

Next Life NO Kids: Are Disney Princesses Just Asshole Teenagers? Good question... #Hilarious #Teengirls #Motherhood
Rapunzel:
Would I love to lock my daughter in a tower for an indeterminate period of time? Obviously. Not just because the peace and quiet would be awesome, but also to shield her from the pressures of society - and boys. If you have a daughter between the ages of 13-18, and can say you've never thought about locking her in her room, you're either one of the "lucky," have a generous prescription for Valium, or you're lying.

The "evil" mother in this one, if I remember correctly, just wanted to brush the girl’s hair every once in a while to feel young again. What’s the big deal

If I had a tower, I would totally lock my daughter in it, and only let her out for bi-weekly haircuts. We have to be one step ahead after all, and no strange boy is going to have the chance to climb up on my princess.

Next Life NO Kids: Are Disney Princesses Just Asshole Teenagers? Good question... #Hilarious #Teengirls #Motherhood
Sleeping Beauty: 
Okay, teenage girls sleep a lot. My daughter has grown out of the whole sleep all day and get up for dinner thing, but when she is sleeping, she’s quiet... and not yelling. I would love to have more awake and not yelling time with her, but if I had to choose? I'd take sleep for $1000, Alex. 

She’s always really grouchy when she wakes up, and usually wants me to make her something in the kitchen that requires a lot of dishes. The longer she sleeps, the less yelling and dishes we have to deal with, so basically everyone wins. The moral of this story is that the wicked chick who cast the sleeping spell was brilliant.

Cinderella: 
Okay, this is an easy one. Who wouldn't appreciate if their daughter did some laundry and cleaned the house once in a while? If she could cook and clean, even just for herself, that would be nice too. After all, she has less than a year before her eighteenth birthday, and it would be fantastic if she was open to learning some life skills before I kick her out.

The "wicked" stepmother in this story is a tough one. My daughter thinks I’m a total bitch if I ask her nicely to pick her gym socks off the kitchen floor, so it is unclear if this broad was a complete tyrant. Perhaps she just wanted the lovely angel to keep her room clean or make her own toast, and it was blown way out of proportion when the story was later told. It makes sense as shit goes down in my house just like that every day.  Strangely enough, the privilege to attend junior prom is currently at risk of being yanked. Her behavior and attitude is so horrific lately, and if I could take toast away, I would. So, for her sake, let there be a fairy Godmother, pumpkin, and some friendly mice available that night.

Snow White: 
This could be the story of a mother's fading beauty and lost youth and jealousy. Nothing on my daughter’s body sags, her hair does not fall out every single time she takes a shower, and she wears skinny jeans.

I personally hate skinny jeans, mostly because I can't wear them. My body is like repellent for skinny jeans. I can barely fit into my Spanx. Spanx are like the skinny jeans for my body.

Do I look into the mirror on occasion to be reminded that I am not the fairest of them all? You bet your ass I do. Do I want to hire a man with an ax to walk my daughter into the woods to “chop down a tree”? Not today.  Besides, if she got lost and was approached by a pack of dwarves, I’m betting that she wouldn’t agree to follow them home and cook them dinner. She knows better than to talk to strangers.

While we're on the subject of tiny men, can we also just discuss the fact that all of these distressed girls still somehow found time for boys? Not even a fucking comma got in the way of that shit! Let this be a lesson to all of us. Prince Charming is always just right around the corner waiting for hair to be let down, or a slipper to fall off, or a chick to make out with. 

I certainly hope the guy that's scheduled to rescue my princess from "all this" is thoroughly prepared... and knows how to make toast.









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10 Comments:

At 4/26/2013 , Anonymous AnotherCleanSlate said...

They certainly do make it easy to find Prince Charming. Here's hoping your daughter finds her prince without the drama in between (for both your sakes)!

 
At 4/26/2013 , Anonymous Diana Chastain said...

I have to agree. I think Rapunzel is awesome, and although I think Cinderella was a sucky role model (she just walks off with the first guy to dance with her?) the girl did have it rough. The princess who was a whiny ass hole for real? Ariel. What was her deal? She suffered from grass is always greener syndrome and her dad totally gave in.

 
At 4/26/2013 , Anonymous Suburbia Interrupted said...

Love this!!! I've never thought of the princesses from this angle. I have written about Prince Charming and the edited out frogs that come before them. Great, totally awesome post. And FYI, although only 5, I've already contemplated locking our daughter in her room until she's 35 :)

 
At 4/27/2013 , Anonymous Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

Love it, love it, love it.

 
At 4/27/2013 , Anonymous Dana said...

This post is brilliant. The parallels between Disney and a teenage girl
are spot on, as I can unfortunately also tell you from experience. You
nailed it Julie!

 
At 5/02/2013 , Anonymous Krystal Cafarella Holt said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE this

 
At 5/07/2013 , Anonymous You Are a Good Mama said...

LOL. This is fantastic!

 
At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Break the Jen Mold said...

Dude, you are so right on! I think there should be (maybe there is) a whole personality theory based on the Disney Princess Mindset. Once again, you've rocked it AND made me laugh!

 
At 5/28/2013 , Anonymous Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom said...

Amazing post. And I don't even have girls, I have boys. But I was a teenage girl. I could be pretty Disney princess when I wanted to be. My poor mom.

 
At 7/16/2013 , Anonymous Cathy Cantu said...

Awesome! Found you from the link-up at Honest Mom. I've got a boy who's 19, and two girls - 17 and 15. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about!!! Yes, all they want me for is shopping when they act syrupy sweet. Can also relate to the losing hair! OMG! What the heck?? I write about my teenagers too. Mostly funny. Great job!

 

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