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Next Life, NO Kids: Happy Judgment Week :(

March 07, 2013

Happy Judgment Week :(


Happy Judgment Week, Everyone!

I am beyond shocked and disappointed by all of the judgment I've been reading this week, on Facebook, and in some articles online. I would normally post the links, but honestly I don't want to further promote negativity. This post is not to judge the those who judge. That would be silly. This post is about how sad I am for the world, and how worried I am for my daughter.

Have I been living in a cave? Did I just come out of a very long coma? Is it because I'm turning 35 next week and the magic rose colored glasses are wearing off? When did we all start hating each other so much? Why has motherhood become just another thing to compete with my sisters about?

Being a mother is stressful enough. The pressures I put on myself on the daily to be "perfect" are anxiety provoking enough. Personally, what I need from you is support, not condemnation, judgment, and/or hatred.  If you can't offer me any of these things when I'm struggling, it's cool, but please just don't say anything.

What is fueling this? Is it fear of our own inadequacy that is driving all this hate? Can we only have empathy for others when their problem doesn't make us uncomfortable? If the existence of your problem causes me negative feelings, is it be okay for me to try to make you feel worse? Is it no longer our responsibility as human beings to offer a hand and/or assistance because we may not like someone or something they've said? 

I don't get it.

I understand we're not going to achieve world peace here, but I don't get the motivation behind kicking another while they're down. Perhaps I'm naive. Aren't we all, Shouldn't we all be in this together? There's enough shit to worry about as a mother. There are legitimate threats all around us where our children are concerned. Shouldn't we be banding together, to support each other or something? If I tell you I'm struggling, and you can't help me, don't you know someone that might? If you disagree with a decision I've made, can't you trust it's the right one for me?

Aren't we at the end of the day all just doing the best we can with what we have?  We all have fear and deal with it in different ways. Your way might not work for me and vice versa, but it doesn't mean either way is wrong. If you have the guts to tell me your truth, I may not always know immediately what to say, but I can promise when I do respond it will not be with contempt. I may not like you or the choices you make, but that doesn't mean I have the right to disrespect you and the way you live your life.

Let's be clear that our children are watching us. They're listening when we mock people for their differences. We are teaching them to be closed minded; that it's acceptable to treat people poorly if they don't conform to our way of thinking. 

We're raising bullies; kids who are afraid to death to be honest about how they really feel because they'll be judged, by us and by the world.

It's bad enough that magazines, television, and pretty much everywhere our kids turn there are pressures to be perfect - better. There are sexual pressures, and pressures to fit in. There is pressure to be skinnier, smarter, and more beautiful. There is pressure to be tough, and popular, and desired. What's worse is the suffocating pressure to be the -est of these things. 

I worry about my daughter. I am not powerful enough to combat those voices by myself. I cannot be louder than Facebook, Twitter, Elle & Glamour, etc. We could be though, all of us together. 

We could be louder than all of these things, and maybe even fix some of the damage that's already been done. But only if we stop fighting each other!

Do I often bathe in sarcasm? Absolutely! But I try not to use it as a weapon and more importantly, I am aware of when I should just be quiet (for the most part).

I am so sorry that some of you have been spoken to as if your feelings don't matter. I wish I could be louder than all of that noise too. Just know that you are not alone and be comforted by the fact that you are doing the best you can with what you have. Sadly, lashing back at the judgment with more judgment won't help. It will only serve to feed the negativity and create more drama. The people passing judgment need our help too. There is a reason that people judge and we really need to stop pouring salt in each other's wounds. Doesn't anyone hug it out anymore?

Anyway, Happy Judgment Week to all.  Maybe next week we can all celebrate "Live and Let Live Week" or "If You Need Anything, I'm Here For You Week", but I'm sure that's a stretch.

In closing, I just wanted to confess (in case you don't read my blog), that I am a perfectly imperfect mother!!!!! I make mistakes regularly and that is how I learn. If I stop learning, I stop growing. If my growth is stunted, I cannot be the kind of mother I want to be. You can help. If you can identify with anything I've said here, please try to be kind to the next parent, or person that may be struggling and perhaps they will pay it forward. I heard somewhere that negative comments stay with us twice as long as positive ones so we've got our work cut out. We have to be twice as positive to every negative. 

READY? 
SET?  
GO.

http://www.mommitment.org



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25 Comments:

At 3/10/2013 , Anonymous The Next Step said...

love this love this love this. every time someone writes a blog post that judges the actions of someone they DON'T EVEN KNOW, and then people I know and love share it and share it and share it all over the internet I just want to scream.

I am trying SO hard to shake off my judgemental cloak I have worn for so many years of thinking I knew better than anyone else. I hope I haven't taken it so far as to judge the judgers, but somehow it has to stop.

I read a line in another blog about "holding the cloaks of those throwing stones" and it SO holds true for this past week. I wish we could stop pushing the judgment out and start helping each other with open minds, hearts, and ears.

(Did anyone ever hug it out?)

 
At 3/10/2013 , Blogger Running Mama said...

The kids in my class hug it out, all be it at my prompting, but eventually I hear them saying need a hug after they say sorry.

nice. love it

 
At 3/10/2013 , Blogger Running Mama said...

See below ;)

 
At 3/10/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

Thank you both, SO much for your amazing comments. I'm as guilty as the next gal, but this week has been torturous with all of this nastiness. I love sarcasm and can appreciate some good hearted, mean spirited humor, but some of this just makes me sad. I've been supporting www.honestmom.com and her posts about depression etc. and some of the comments she has received from other moms are HORRIFIC.

I do hope you will both spread the word that Judgement Week is ovah and I Support You, Even if I Don't Agree With You Week has begun :) Please feel free to share my post and ask your friends to do so too. Together we really can turn this around. Let's challenge our Mommy friends to think outside of the judgement box and pay some positivity forward.

Also, hugging it out is AWESOME. I plan to use it as a mediation tool when my boys get older and start to argue. :)

 
At 3/12/2013 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am always surprised people take the time to post negative comments online. If you don't have something nice to say...

 
At 3/12/2013 , Blogger Lisa Packer said...

I agree. If we all stopped judging each other so much, there'd be a lot less stressed out moms out there. There isn't only one "right" kind of mom. Be supportive of each other. Learn from each other.

 
At 3/12/2013 , Anonymous Julie DeNeen said...

This is such a needed post. I am so tired of competing mothers. We don't need competition. We need support!

 
At 3/12/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

Right? Didn't we learn that somewhere in kindergarden? What happened to the Golden Rule? I wish positivity spread as quickly and as easily as negativity does. What can we do?

 
At 3/12/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

I agree that there is no "right" way to be a mother. If there was, there would be like one book we could all read and, let's face it, motherhood might be A LOT easier. It would however also be quite boring and uneventful. Differences make things interesting!

 
At 3/12/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

Thanks Julie! We really do. Being responsible for another human being is a stressful job no matter how you look at it. Support trumps competition/judgement any day. Besides, does any one actually ever win?

 
At 3/12/2013 , Anonymous Angela @Momopolize said...

So true! I don't judge anything anymore. In the past I have(stupidly) uttered the words (in my head) "My kid would never do XYZ." WITHOUT FAIL, at some point my kid DID do XYZ.

Compassion beats competition every time.

(Visiting from Honest Mom)

 
At 3/12/2013 , Blogger Jessica Cobb said...

Sadly, you don't have to be a mother to judge, or be judged.

I agree, we need to be able to fearlessly extend our hands to one another without worrying what our peers will think of our un/partially manicured nails.

Love this post. Found you via Honest Mom.

 
At 3/12/2013 , Anonymous Jen said...

Amen!!!!! I actually wrote about this exact thing a month ago. It is unfathomable that any person would actually promote someone else's self doubt and anxiety. I completely agree with everything you said, so I don't have much more to say, except I am so happy I found you through Honest Mom!

 
At 3/12/2013 , Blogger Stephanie Sprenger said...

Cheers to that! I am with you 100%; this is a topic I am passionate about. Glad you shared it on Honest Voices!

 
At 3/12/2013 , Anonymous Nikki | Days With Us said...

Hug it out. Shout it out. Do whatever you need to do to get these feelings, that many of us share, out, out, out. I loved what you wrote, and understand how powerful these feelings are for us as adults never-mind our children. I'm reading from the Honest Voices linkup, and this was certainly an honest and wonderful post. Now here's a hug. You're welcome.

 
At 3/17/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

SO true Angela, I caught myself doing/saying something that I said we never would so many times. The more kids I have, the less I judge and the more I cut myself and other moms serious slack.

 
At 3/17/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

Yay! Welcome Jessica! I'm so glad you found me :) I could not agree more (you should see my nails right now, OMG)

 
At 3/17/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

Me too!! Welcome Jen!! :)

 
At 3/17/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

Thanks for the support Stephanie! I wish there were more of us that were so passionate about this. I guess all we can do is continue to support each other and hope that the rest follow suit :)

 
At 3/17/2013 , Blogger Julie Of said...

That was the best cyber hug I've ever gotten, just sayin. Thank you so much!!

 
At 8/28/2013 , Anonymous Considerer said...

Okay. I submit.


The more I read here, the more I love it. Sorry I put it off for so long.


I was judgey.


You rock.

 
At 8/28/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

YOU rock.

 
At 8/28/2013 , Anonymous Considerer said...

WE ROCK *hugs* :D

 
At 8/28/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

FACT:

 
At 11/20/2013 , Anonymous Mack N. Cheese said...

Amen, sister! "Do what you can with what you have" is basically my mantra in life! Also, "try not to be a judge bottom-head."

 

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