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Next Life, NO Kids: There's Human Shit On My Couch. Beat That, Single Friend.

February 24, 2013

There's Human Shit On My Couch. Beat That, Single Friend.

I was chatting with one of my best friends from high school yesterday afternoon. She was feeling guilty for sitting on her couch eating a whole chicken cutlet sub from our favorite sandwich shop, and I was cleaning human shit off my couch. Needless to say, I was a bit envious of my friend's biggest problem as it compared to my own, but it got me thinking and missing a simpler time in my life.

Like, remember when human shit on the couch was a non-issue? There was a time in my life that I never thought about shit, especially someone else's. If by some strange chance anyone had ever shit on my couch, I would have made them leave and I NEVER would have spoken to them EVER again. Today I clean all kinds of disgusting things off my couch while the person responsible yells at me to get him a glass of water. What's worse? Not only can I not ask him to leave, I have to get the water. I started thinking about other things that are just memories now.

I remember when I could eat an entire cup of yogurt without someone taking a dump in front of me.  Yogurt was so much better without the mix of shit smell and grunting. This is common practice in our house. Especially during potty training, someone poops in my living room at least once a day.

I remember personal space. Man, it. was. awesome. My body was a shrine, and not a jungle gym to climb and hang all over. Back when my clothes did not second for tissues. I really wish I'd enjoyed those moments more in projection of their total annihilation. These days, I can't even get half way through an apple before it becomes community property.

I remember when "co-sleeping" was an extracurricular activity. Why do they even call it that when the only one sleeping is the baby?  It would make way more sense to call it "no-sleeping".

I remember when the flashing of my boobs occurred only where there was cash or beads involved. Okay, I made that up, but seriously. I have no idea how my husband can sexualize me after seeing the way my boobs are treated these days. Nursing is not as glamorous as I expected it to be.

I'm not complaining, really. I'm just flashing some awareness onto the fact that life before kids was terrific.  It was a time when I wasn't violated by boogers or mounted by midgets on the daily. Maybe I sat on the couch feeling guilty about eating food. Who knows, maybe my couch was a place I wanted to eat food.  I think I took hot baths and went to the bathroom all by myself. I'm pretty sure I experienced long phone conversations without any screaming or crying (unless it was me). Honestly, I can't remember a time before poop because... those days are over.

I have traded in my "me" time and clean curtains for the joys of motherhood. I haven't shaved my legs in a month. Not because I don't like having soft, hairless legs, but because it's difficult and dangerous to use sharp objects two inches away from a toddler in a slippery shower.

So, I'm hairy, half showered, and tired. I'm frumpy, and I wear wrinkled yoga pants. My hair is never done and my make-up, if ever applied is usually running because I'm sweating profusely.  I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a sub by myself, without someone else's saliva on it.

But guess what?

Strangely enough, I wouldn't trade any of these moments, not even the shitty ones, for anything in the world. I'm trying to enjoy them all, in projection of their passing, because I know that some day, I will miss them. Years from now, when the kids have moved out, and it's all too quiet in the house, I will sit on my couch, staring at my clean curtains, and I will miss this....

Okay, maybe not the shit part... but you get the idea.



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At 5/01/2013 , Anonymous Insomniac's Dream said...

I laughed through this entire post. (Got some strange looks from the neighbors cause I'm reading this outside) Loved it.

Oh, and? You will miss it. A lot.

At 5/01/2013 , Anonymous Lucy Ball said...

Yes. I get it. My day revolves around the consumption or expulsion of food from various bodily entrance and exit points. It's awesome. You made me laugh. So hard! When will the book be finished???

At 5/01/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Haha, I'll work on it between craziness. It should be finished by the time the boys are in college. ;)

At 5/01/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

I'm so glad you liked it!! :) I know I'll miss it, not the shit, I won't miss the shit, but I know I'll miss the rest. I do look forward to enjoying a nice cup of yogurt again... just sayin.

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous thecalibamamom said...

This made me laugh so hard. I was the first of all my girlfriends to get married and have a baby, and therefore, can SOOO can identify with being reminded of how awesome 'life before' was. There were days when I wanted to assault my BFF because she could do what she pleased, when she decided to without harassment from a little human who was hungry or tired or needed to be changed. Now we both have multiple children, and trying to have a simple phone conversation with complete sentences is a train wreck...lol. Anyway...GREAT post!!

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Sara McCall said...

We are so on the same wavelength! Just this morning I was freaking out (inside) because my toddler would not stop pushing on me with his feet. Not kicking - just pressure as we were sitting on the couch. It was driving me nuts & made me miss my personal space. But then he puts his arms around my neck and gives me a big wet kiss and all is forgotten/forgiven. Someday, he won't want to be in the same room as me (let alone touch me!) so I'll enjoy it while I can. Love, love, love this post!

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Science of Parenthood said...

LOL! The things we put up with as moms! Potty training my kiddo, I actually sat down on a public restroom floor to wait for him to do something in the bowl. No, there's not enough clorox for that!

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Rose said...

"Like, remember when shit on the couch was a non-issue? There was a time in my life that I never thought about shit, especially someone else's." This completely cracked me up. It is so true! Unidentified brown substances are also problematic. Could be chocolate, could be garden dirt, but it is probably neither.

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Celeste McLean said...

Mine are thirteen and two, which I take as proof that I didn't really miss it, so much as forget. ;) Also, love this post. :)

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

I'm so glad you enjoyed it :) Yes, I feel like the comparison between life before and after kids is impossible because they're not even in the same weight class. You know? It's like comparing wine and urine.

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Thanks Sara! I miss personal space like I imagine I would miss oxygen if it were suddenly taken from me. It is worth it, in the end, but how much would I love the guilt of a chicken cutlet sub to be my biggest problem right now? You know the answer.

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Oh em Jesus. That is dedication! I hope he went after all that!!

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

Ha! I never assume it's chocolate because that could be way dangerous. Thanks Rose!!

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

That's awesome! I have a 17yo girl (kill me), a three year old boy, and a 10mo. I feel your pain, hear you, and raise. :)

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous One Funny Motha said...

No, you can't ask the kids to leave, can you? It's too bad too b/c that would have saved me a lot of trouble. But when you say someone poops in your living room once a day, I'm having a little trouble understanding. Is that where you keep the little potty or is it while you kid is wearing a diaper or is you kid pooping on you couch daily? B/c that ain't right. And in that case I would ask him to leave & no longer speak to him.

At 5/21/2013 , Anonymous Mercy Langille said...

I remember those bygone, time to myself, do what I want days. They won't ever come back, will they?

At 5/22/2013 , Anonymous Kelley Pritchard Cole said...

Hahaha. OMG. Thank you for making me LOL today. ;) (Came from Honest Mom's Link Up).

At 5/24/2013 , Anonymous MolleyMills said...

Just ewww. But hilarious because we've all been there.Thanks for hooking up again the the HUmp Day Hook Up

At 3/23/2015 , Anonymous Jules-Julie Marie Barham said...

I cannot possibly agree more. I empathize and understand 100000%. My couches... I can't even. I was literally just thinking today... just 21 months ago my couches were beautiful. Now, well they're couches. You speak my language. Perfect post!


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