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Next Life, NO Kids: January 2013

January 31, 2013

An Open Letter To Our Child's Caregiver

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January 28, 2013

Could it be? Is my son...well-adjusted?

We woke up extra excited this morning because it is Nicholas Jr.'s first day of preschool. We hurried to bed last night so we could rush time and get there.

Personally,  I was faking a little of my excitement because I knew that it was going to be hard for me to leave him in a place full of strangers for that long. I knew that he would miss me terribly, and that I would probably have to go and pick him up early because he was inconsolable. I even made sure to tell the teacher to call me if he got "too upset" and she promised she would.

So, you can understand my confusion when we walked into the classroom and Nicholas conformed immediately to whatever those silly three year olds were doing and seemed to forget that I was there. I was there to sit with him for however long to assist with the "adjustment period."

His teacher introduced herself and then almost immediately told me it was nice to meet me. Clearly she didn't understand what was about to happen when I tried to walk out the door. I waited quietly for him to realize he was on the other side of the room and run to grab onto my leg. I started to tip toe towards the door and whispered to Ms. Nicole that I wasn't going to say "good-bye" because I didn't want to upset him. She suggested it would be less jarring if I at least said "Bye" before I left. Okay I thought, if a shit storm was what she wanted before I left, I wasn't going to argue.

"Bye, Nicholas" I said, and braced myself for the hurricane.

"NO!" he said;  here it comes I thought. I told him that I was going to leave and that he was going to read a book on the rug with Ms. Nicole, in hopes that it would refocus his attention away from his breakdown; and it did. He walked right over to the rug and sat down to wait for the story.

WTF? Was it too much to ask for a little whimper? I mean really. What is wrong with him? Could he be suffering from some sort of dissociative personality or attachment disorder? What else could it be? God, I hope there's medication for it, whatever it is.
Apparently, this is the "Let's hurry up and get in there so that you can get the hell out of here" look. Silly me to confuse it with a "I'm gonna lose my shit as soon as you even think about leaving me because you are my whole world" face. 

Live and learn.

Or, could it be? Could Nicholas Jr. somehow be what my friend Joseph so bravely suggested? Is he simply... well adjusted? Is that even possible with all the dysfunction in our house? That would be something wouldn't it?

I started to wonder if this could be it...  and then I picked him up.

I was greeted with a running Nicholas yelling an excited "Mommy!!!" and a big hug. When he let go, his face melted into a frown and before he broke down in tears, in the softest, saddest voice ever, he said "You left me."

As it turns out, he was saving all the drama for his Mama. 
What a sicko! That's my boy. 

Once again, the universe makes sense.

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January 24, 2013

10 Hilarious Ways Potty Training Is Similar To Politics

1. Both involve trying to get someone who is full of shit to do what we want them them to.

2. Bribery is a common occurrence.

3. In both cases, the shit filled people seem to have all the power.

4. We trust in these people who have lied to us repeatedly to alert us of shit BEFORE it happens.

5. There's often a lot of smoke and mirrors when shit is happening right in front of us.

6. Even though we may have our suspicions about the business going on under the table, quite often by the time we have all of the details, the damage has been done.

7. They may or may not have any intention of telling the truth about what's going in in their pants, and we're always super disappointed when we find out. 

8. There is an alarming lack of shame involved when there is an accident. 

9. Even after the shit comes out and the evidence is undeniable, the people with shit on their hands lie and try to avoid any and all responsibility.

10. We continue to have faith that things will turn around and get better even when there is evidence to the contrary.

Whether you loved this or hated every word, I hope you'll leave you'll comment with your thoughts below. 

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January 19, 2013

Kid games are stupid.

Nicholas is a very smart little man. He doesn't miss a beat and is constantly repeating everything he hears in its proper context. Sometimes this is a great thing, sometimes (when Corinne is angry) this is a terrible thing, sometimes it's super cute, but most of the time it's a terrible annoyance.

He spends much of his time each day playing kid games on ABC Mouse.com, my iPhone, and his Leap Pad pushing the same buttons over and over because he likes the sounds they make and then repeats. It's quite common to have him in my kitchen opening up my cabinets and repeating "You're going to need to right key to open that door". "I'm very creative" is repeated while coloring pictures for me (that's one of the cute ones). "Use the D pad/stylus to play this game" are the big ones and listening to this shit all day long makes me want to bite my own face.

Work with me here, please. Some mornings I wake up at my wit's end and as much as I would just love a day of silent game playing, I'm willing to compromise.

Why can't these toys say things that I'd love to hear all day, like "Did you lose weight? You look fantastic!" When he wants to open that stupid door in that stupid game, why can't the secret passwords be "Those jeans look great on you" or "You're gorgeous"?

These are things I wouldn't mind hearing over and over and over again. Unlike the unflattering, annoying wording of stupid kid games, these would probably help boost sales as well. I for one would be first in line for a game like that...

Just a thought.

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January 17, 2013

Sidewalks are for walking.

I have to squeeze my enormous ass into a dress for my faux sister's wedding in a week, so the pressure is on to lose some of this disgusting weight that is literally holding me back. I decided, since it was warm enough last week, to take the boys for a walk. There was still snow all over the ground during our walk, but the sidewalks seemed to be cleared of the stuff. We ventured out and started at a good pace.

It is important to note that although I am grateful to own a double stroller, I never, in my whole life, thought I would actually need one.  Yes, I was once the look of judgement as you pushed that horrible thing full of kids down the road. And I probably said out loud while driving by,

"You look ridiculous."

So, fast forward, it's official, I own one.  If you have more than one child, you know that walking in public with one on the loose while pushing the other is almost as fun as a rectal exam with no lube. So, I found one on craigslist.org for a great price and we bought it.

Nicholas Jr. is approximately 38ish pounds and is positioned at the helm of this beast. Then we have Jordan, weighing in at around 17lbs right on top facing me in his car seat. Without considering the weight of the actual car seat or the stroller itself, we're talking almost 60 lbs. It's heavier than hell on flat land, never mind up hill. So, when I succeed in talking myself into bundling each kid, packing a bag full of fruit snacks and water, and pushing this terrific shit show for four to six miles around town, it's a big deal.

While outside of my cul da sac in Podunk, Massachusetts, I often hear the jingle from that movie Deliverance in my head. The amount of junk some people keep on their lawns is alarming, but what's worse is the parking. Some of these folks do not realize that driveways are more than just a place to keep scattered car parts dripping with oil. Driveways are for parking cars.

They also seem to be confused about the purpose of the sidewalk. Sidewalks are for walking, NOT for parking cars. I'm certain that the confusion stems from the actual word sideWALK, but who knows.

There is literally nothing that gets my goat like having to walk my children into the street to get around a car parked on a sidewalk. These people are really lucky that my car keying days are over...although,

I'm thinking about coming out of retirement.

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January 10, 2013

We've been robbed.

Okay, although I do not subscribe to the whole take advantage, kick 'em while they're down strategy, I do understand it. However, after attempting to shop for some nursing attire online this morning, I'm thinking that some of these vendors deserve to be eaten by lions. Really? $67 for a shirt? A shirt with extra holes none the less. Unbelievable. It was bad enough having to spend $80 on a pair of maternity jeans to avoid flat and frumpy "MOM BUTT" while I was already feeling like a whale, but this just ices the cake.

So, let me get this straight. It would be frowned upon if I just whipped out my boobs in public at this point right? Trust me when I tell you that you don't want any part of these National Geographic nips my friends. So, wouldn't it be wonderful if someone came up with a shirt that aided in my not having to pull my entire shirt over my head, exposing not only my breasts, but also my oozing, ever flowing, post-partum muffin top? Yes! What an amazing invention and smooches to whoever came up with the idea! The problem is that I can only afford one because we now have...what's that?...Oh ya, a BABY (or several) to support.

Please note that nursing is a dirty job and nothing glamorous. I do it because it's best for my baby and for the amazing bonding experience, not because it's pretty. Spit up, spilled/drooled milk, and my personal favorite, explosive yellow seedy poo escaping from atop a diaper can get pretty messy. On any given day I may change my shirt several times and laundry is now done more than daily. If I have to pay between $30-$80 per shirt I'm screwed. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I'd want to wear a shirt that I spent $67 on. What the crap? In conclusion, if you spent more than $60 for a shirt recently, I'm pretty sure I hate you and you should probably be eaten by a lion. 

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January 01, 2013

I resolve NOT to...kinda.

As I sit here, making a list of all of the things I'm going to change this year, it occurs to me that all of these things were on the last list I made one year ago. I was going to be better to my body, hit the gym more often, and meditate more. I started out well enough and probably made it to the first of April when I most likely decided that list was an April Fools joke and tossed it, and all motivation, into the garbage.

This year I think I'll resolve to cut the shit, and myself some deserved slack. I'm going to try to allow myself the process of change with all of its horrible stages, and try to be more patient with myself. 

  • I will NOT (again) sign up for Weight Watchers only to work out my checking account every month and over stress myself with counting points and weighing myself every four seconds. 

  • I will NOT (again) set up the ridiculously unrealistic expectation that I will miraculously come up with all sorts of time to take a yoga class every day OR meditate until I feel like I'm floating on a cloud. To be honest, being that woman sounds almost as attractive as chewing on a piece of tree bark. 

  • I will NOT chew on tree bark (or drink tea that might contain any).

  • I will NOT decide to become a vegan (again), and deny myself everything yummy. I will also NOT allow Alicia Silverstone (via www.thekindlife.com), to talk me into the belief that I need to eat dirt or poop 10 times a day to get healthy. I might even block all of her emails....maybe. One step at a time; gotta pace myself.

  • I will NOT set myself up to be nice and gooey to everyone on the planet. Let's face it, I'm prickly and getting sharper with age and personal experience. To even suggest that the other side of my leaf is all soft and squishy is just silly. 

  • I will continue to pray for world peace.

  • I will continue to try to be as loving and tolerant as possible, to myself and others; and I will continue to blog if, and when I fail miserably and become petty and judgmental.  I am trying to be realistic here people.

Happy New Year!! XOXO
2013 is gonna kick ass, I can feel it.

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