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Next Life, NO Kids: Teen-aged Girls Are Like The Devil In Human Form

October 26, 2012

Teen-aged Girls Are Like The Devil In Human Form

I am the mother of a teenage girl. I wake up almost every morning in disbelief. Like, when in the fuck did that happen?? Surely there's been a mistake. For the past few years I've spent a great deal of time wishing her real mother would come and get her.

I understand the ridiculous dynamics that accompany mother/daughter relationships because this is my second, but sadly this knowledge and experience does not arm me with the necessary skills to maneuver it. I put my poor mother through the wringer when I was a teenager, and said the most terrible things directly to her face. I hated her guts and was 100% certain she was definitely to blame for everything wrong in my life.

I was so awful, my mother cursed me very early on with some sort of hex; something about hoping one day I would have a daughter just like me. The words "just... like... you" still ring in my head like as if they were spoken over a cauldron or some shit.  

UGH. It feels dirty. And also it worked. 

My daughter is just. like. meOf course she's been blessed with my favorite qualities, holy shitstorm... she also possess some of my worst. She's like the hybrid version of the wretched human I was at her age.

Naturally, our house is no stranger to Hatred, Cruelty, and Sarcasm. There are dirty basketball socks, bras, trash, and half empty water bottles hidden all over the place, and they all belong to "not mine." No one seems to be responsible.

I hear things like "Shut your mouth/the hell up" and/or, "You should kill yourself" on a pretty regular basis. I have learned not take much of it personally. I get that I am the enemy of fun and coolness, and literally everything about me is lame. Apparently, there is absolutely nothing good about me, and to top it all off, I am also stupid. 

I used to think that I was pretty smart, funny, and terribly witty, but I was wrong. It is obnoxiously clear to my daughter that am I none of these things, and I'm extremely annoying.

I suppose having to deal with me on a daily basis is stressful enough for the poor kid, so I try to cut her some slack. After all, the world has gone straight to Hell, and I cannot imagine having to be seventeen in today's society. I would rather play leapfrog with a unicorn than step foot into her high school as a grown-ass woman, never mind as a teen. The air is polluted with pressure and judgment and I'm sure if the walls could talk they'd beg to be relocated somewhere less horrifying.

Let's face it, if being a teenage girl was easier, I probably wouldn't be 35 with a seventeen-year-old daughter. I remember the deafening noise; the disgusting amount of demands for perfection and popularity. I wore fake, bright red, Sally Jessie Raphael glasses in 7th grade for God's sake, and was beyond devastated when the perfect Monique called me out in front of the entire class for pretending to be blind. I will not pretend to have any idea what possessed me to think that was a good idea, but I most certainly did. Those glasses were going to be my "in" with Monique, because she wore glasses.  She was supposed to love them and they were meant to bond us. Not so much. That, and the reasoning behind super-gluing the backs of earrings to my teeth and running a paper clip through them (to look like braces), is what keeps me in therapy to this day.

Being a teenage girl sucks. PERIOD.

It takes my daughter a year to figure out what she's going to wear in the morning, and as much as I want to tell her that it won't matter in five years, I know it matters now. I would love for her to understand that the only reason people are so judgmental is because they are themselves full of self-doubt and insecurity. My high school career would have been A LOT easier if I had been able to understand that. I probably wouldn't have assaulted as many people.  :o/

The most amazing part of all of this is that she can't possibly comprehend it any more than I could have at her age. How unfair is it that during the most difficult, frustrating, confusing, gut wrenching, scary as shit time in our lives, our brains are not developed enough to deal with anything? WTF?! Who was ever in charge of those decisions? FIRED. Someone should really set out to find a cure for teenagism. That might be a bazillion dollar discovery. Let's work on an earlier development of the frontal lobe instead of all of these weight loss and hard on pills. I'd much rather have the gift of logic than an erection any day, but that's just me.

So, the truth is that I am afraid for and of my beautiful daughter. She has everything I did when I was her age; although I fear she's much smarter than I ever was. We have long talks (when she's not possessed) about the poor choices she sees so many other girls making and how sad is can be to watch. You see, I have been blessed to have had a daughter that is quite a lot like me AND the unique opportunity to have raised her with all of my life experience. She is like the hybrid version of me at seventeen with the same amount of ambition (zero). It baffles my mind that I was already her mother when I was her age and how awfully grown up I felt. It's insane! If it's true that most teen mothers raise teen mothers, I have successfully broken that cycle and for that I am proud of both of us. 

I know that I'm a good mother, which is one of the reasons she hates me so much, but there is definitely nothing easy about it. I know it's normal to want more for my kids than I had or did. It is also quite normal to find it difficult to step back and hope I've done enough. Normal however is a very stupid word that means nothing when I'm up to our eyeballs in it. That's the word I hear most often when in discussion about this topic.  Crazy teens are "normal"; how comforting. What I also hear, which is a bit more helpful, is that "this too shall pass."

I'm not holding my breath.

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At 1/29/2013 , Blogger Krystallina said...

The amount that I can relate to this is amazing. However, my daughter is only 13 now. Help! LOL

At 1/29/2013 , Anonymous Jamie Santapaula said...

we were all just trying to figure it out when we were younger... and we were all dorks :)
(ps, i was always jealous of people with braces.. they were different!)

At 1/29/2013 , Anonymous Julie Maida said...


I will pray for you. We should start a legit support group.


Total dorks. Thank God we've all grown into such sophisticated women!

At 3/26/2013 , Blogger Jessica Cobb said...

Visiting from the Honest Mom Link-up!

This post lays out all the reasons I was terrified of my first-born being a girl (of course, she is). We butt heads already, and she's 6.

Mother help us all...

At 3/26/2013 , Anonymous Julie @ NextLifeNOKids said...

I will pray for you Jessica. It started early for us too. She is slowly, but surely getting better as she matures, but it has NOT been a pretty process. I'm totally here for you if you need support!!

At 4/26/2013 , Anonymous Lucy said...

Oh, good LORD! The Sally glasses and braces! lmao!!! That's hilarious! Now, anyway. And yes, you are a good mother if she hates you. It would be much easier to be a crappy parent, but that wouldn't be good enough. Would it? P.S. Mine is showing strong signs of demonic possession and she's only 10. HELP me............

At 5/09/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Oh yes, it starts early. Sally glasses AND fake braces. What a girl won't do to "fit in".

At 5/09/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Thanks Jamie, I know I commented on this before, but somehow it got lost when I switched comment moderators. We were all dorks and I'm so happy you said that. I never knew YOU felt like one too.

At 5/09/2013 , Anonymous Julie Of Next Life, NO Kids said...

Haha, you're in trouble Lady. Don't worry, I'm gonna be a black belt in teenaged girl by the time yours reaches her full potential so you can use me as a support ;)

At 5/09/2013 , Anonymous Karen Hug-Nagy said...

Oh what an awesome post! I think it's harder being a parent now, due to all the craziness in our world. I still feel like a dork, though just an older one, we want to protect our kids but sheez, where do we draw the line, I just let the apron strings out a little at a time and grin and bear it!

At 12/21/2013 , Anonymous One Funny Motha said...

Don't hold your breath too long - you might pass out. My daughter isn't at that age yet & she's not so bad as far as preteens go, but it is enough to drive you insane. I guess there is a lot more pressure out there now then when we were growing up & I should be more understanding - Idk. She is also too much like me, which is a problem. I just hope we get to a point where we can like each other & appreciate each other.

At 12/22/2013 , Anonymous Next Life, NO Kids said...

It is DEFINITELY enough to cause insanity! That's what happens when dealing with crazy people. They cray cray.


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