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Next Life, NO Kids: It's Official...Next Life, NO Kids

October 25, 2012

It's Official...Next Life, NO Kids

I was in the bathroom yesterday blow drying my hair when my gorgeous little preschooler came in to keep me company. I had just plugged in the straightener and put it up to the ridiculous setting I use keep my fro in check, when he looked up with his cute little face and said, "What's that?"

"That's Mommy's," I said. "Don't touch it because it's very hot." 

You're probably wondering what he did next. 

Exactly. He pointed his chubby little index finger out and landed it right on the straightener. Luckily, I had just turned it on so it did not result in a horrible burn, but it was at that very moment I made the decision. 

Next life, NO kids. 

Please don't get me wrong. I love all of my children more than life, but let's be super honest. Being a mother is not an easy job, and sometimes it really sucks. For the first few years it is a thankless job including, but not limited to, being covered in someone else's shit and vomit

I do not regret having children, nor do I regret the devotion of my entire life to being a mother, milk supply, cook, cleaning and laundry lady, ass wiper, fashion consultant, therapist, chauffeur, and sometimes door mat. 


I really do love my life and all of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me and my amazing family. I would just like to know what it feels like to not have a care in the world for a minute...and take a shit by myself.

That being said, I am devoting my next life to being selfish. 


I am going to live like an empty grocery bag in the wind. I will enjoy the freedoms to skip town to join Sigourney Weaver in the fucking jungle to chat it up with gorillas, or spend a month with Julia Roberts in an ashram if I want to. 

In my next life, it will not be my first instinct to put my hands out when someone is about to throw up. I will not ever use my saliva to remove a mark on someone's face, and I will not think that using my sleeve to wipe a snotty nose is a viable option. I will eat cake and refuse to share. I will take a ton of naps, baths, and shits; and I will do so ALONE


Going to the bathroom will not be a social event in my next life. I will not elect to watch anyone else take a dump or offer to wipe their ass when they are finished. 

I will commit to dropping everything at least once a year, pointing to a map with my eyes closed, and allowing fate to decide where I land. I will be less ignorant about other people and cultures and I will experience what life is like in others' shoes.

Yes, that's right, in my next life I will be a fat, independently wealthy, well traveled, educated, humble, selfish person. 


It's going to be fucking awesome.


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8 Comments:

At 7/17/2013 , Anonymous MamaRabia said...

Let me know how that works out for you!! ;)

 
At 7/17/2013 , Anonymous MolleyMills said...

Can we travel the world together? :P

 
At 7/30/2013 , Anonymous donofalltrades said...

God love ya! No kids next life does sound pretty sweet though.

 
At 9/18/2013 , Anonymous MolleyMills said...

I'm coming..... Thanks for hooking up!

 
At 9/18/2013 , Anonymous Melissa Swedoski said...

I will eat cake and refuse to share. That, my friend, is how I would sum up being childless as well. Except adding in cookies and soda. Little beggars.
Hump Day, Hooker!

 
At 12/23/2014 , Anonymous luvena said...

I already envy that next life of yours! :'/

 
At 6/26/2015 , Anonymous Ernie Flores said...

Maybe I was you in my previous life, that explains so much. I have no kids but I have been married many times . . . What I lack in responsibility I make up for with excuses.
Only think I see wrong is I missed the wealthy part, that would come in handy. Being Uncle Ernie has been fun for all, except maybe my sisters-in-law, they get their kids back when diapers become an issue. NL, NK makes sense if "Have you seen how hot Julie looks?" was taken.

 
At 6/27/2015 , Anonymous Devon said...

Julie, the only thing this says to me is how much you love your kids and your life. Would I love to go to the bathroom alone? Fuck yes, but I also thank god or whoever every day that those sticky little fingers find me no matter where I try to hide. And I bet you feel the same way ;)

 

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